Those crazy Cat Ladies are back
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And this time, they're taking on internet radio!
Come to the STEEMSTAR Discord and be part of the fun! This is one of two brand new sketches that I have written just for tonight!
We don't always get good recordings, so this may be your only chance to hear it!
The Cat Ladies
Episode 11: "The Cat Ladies Podcast: Episode 1"
by Chris Roberts
DORIS - The one with the computer and granddaughter ETHEL - The gruff one with a complicated past AGNES - Um… She’s got a great smile DAKOTA - Doris’s granddaughter
NARRATOR Look out world! Today is the first broadcast of the Cat Ladies Podcast! Apparently, Ethel has some friends in their forties, and the young people were talking about how much they enjoyed listening to podcasts. Ethel shared this with the other ladies, and before you knew it, Doris’s granddaughter, Dakota, had helped the trio get it all set up. They’re getting ready to start!
ETHEL Are we live?
AGNES Say testing!
DORIS Oh, this is so exciting girls!
AGNES Say testing!
ETHEL I think we’re live.
AGNES Testing!
DAKOTA That red light right there means you’re live, Grandma.
DORIS Oh my goodness! We’re live! What does that mean?
DAKOTA That means you’re broadcasting.
AGNES Like television?
DAKOTA Exactly, Agnes. Anyone listening can hear everything you’re saying.
ETHEL They got this place bugged? I knew it!
DORIS Calm down Ethel! The place isn’t bugged, that I know of. We bought a microphone on Amazon Prime, remember?
AGNES That thing? I thought that was Dakota’s science project.
DAKOTA Naw, I’m not that good at science. Anyway, if you’re worried about microphones, you better throw away your phones, your computer and possibly your TV.
AGNES [horrified] Throw away my TV?
DAKOTA Well, yeah. There are microphones in everything nowadays… I can’t believe I just said nowadays. Most of ‘em are always recording.
ETHEL You’re telling me that there’s always microphones recording me?
DAKOTA Probably.
DORIS What could they even be listening for?
AGNES They wanna control your brain synapses!
ETHEL Man, this goes deep.
DORIS Bunch of perverts if you ask me, listening to some innocent old ladies’ conversation.
ETHEL C’mon, Doris. We’re not that innocent. I mean, Agnes steals all the time.
AGNES Damn right I do!
DAKOTA Grandma, don’t forget, you’re live.
DORIS Oh my goodness! What do I say?
DAKOTA Anything you want.
AGNES Say testing!
ETHEL Dammit, Agnes! We’re past that!
DORIS Podcast! Because of Broadcast! I just got it. Sorry.
AGNES Are we Pod People?
DORIS Heavens no, Agnes. We’re not Pod People. Are we, Dakota?
DAKOTA I don’t know what that is.
ETHEL We were invaded by the Pod People a long time ago. Now they’re finally openly consolidating their power.
AGNES Is anyone listening to us?
ETHEL Oh yeah, the Pod People Cast.
DAKOTA Oh I don’t really think… Whoa. It says right here you’ve got 372 people listening right now.
ETHEL Holy shit!
DORIS Language Ethel!
DAKOTA Oh, that’s not a bad word on a podcast like it is on TV. Later I’ll email you a list of things that you can’t say on the internet.
ETHEL I can say whatever the hell I want on the internet!
DAKOTA You’d be surprised… Anyway, it seems like you ladies are all set up here. I really have to go, I’m meeting Dillon and Rilen at the espresso shop.
AGNES [shouting from other room] How many days is it safe to eat bologna when it’s been out of the fridge?
ETHEL What? Where the hel’s Agnes wander off to? I told you we should tether her to the chair. I’m good at tethering.
DORIS Where did you find bologna out of the fridge?
ETHEL You better answer her before she eats it…
DORIS None days, Agnes! Don’t eat the bologna!
ETHEL I mean, the cats didn’t go for it.
DORIS I’m sorry, Dakota honey. You were saying about Caden and the coffee shop?
DAKOTA Caden? Ew! He’s creepy. I can’t believe I ever liked anyone named Caden. Now I like Dillon. But he’s always with his friend Rilen who is like, so annoying.
ETHEL He sure sounds annoying.
DAKOTA Rilen is a girl. You didn’t know that Rilen is a girl’s name? I thought old people knew everything.
ETHEL I know some things. If I tell you I’d have to kill you.
DORIS Ethel, honestly if we could get through one day without you saying the phrase “If I tell you I’d have to kill you”... She doesn’t mean it, Dakota. Her secrets aren’t that valuable.
AGNES The Russians didn’t want ‘em!
ETHEL Dammit, Agnes! You can’t go saying stuff like that when we’re live!
AGNES Well it’s true. Just last month you told me you was trying to sell intel to the Ruskies about… what was it? Project…
ETHEL Shut your damn mouth, Agnes! Go to commercial!
DAKOTA [As she’s leaving] There are no commercials! Have fun! Bye!
DORIS Thank you Dakota! Have fun with the Ridloos and Didleys!
DORIS Project Blue something…
ETHEL Stop right now, Agnes!
DORIS Oh, please Ethel. If the CIA really wanted to take you out, as you say, they would have done it a long time ago.
ETHEL That’s probably true.
DORIS Anyway, now they probably only record you so they can sell you a better brand of incontinence pads once your bladder kicks the bucket.
AGNES That reminds me…
DORIS and ETHEL Ewwwwwww!
ETHEL I knew it! I knew it! Dammit Agnes!
DORIS Girls, girls! Don’t forget, we’re live!
AGNES Say testing!
NARRATOR The era of Cat Ladies podcasts had begun. As it turns out, lots of people wanted to hear from these old ladies… They can be quite entertaining, when the listener doesn’t have to see or smell them. The first podcast went on for three and a half hours. After the first hour, the Cat Ladies forgot that they were streaming and spent the rest of the time watching Frozen, with all the special features. Agnes’s commentary was so enjoyable that thousands were tuned in by the end of the podcast. Is the world ready to hear from the Cat Ladies? It doesn’t matter, cause they’re live!
THE END
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