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FreeCompliments

Family Must Come First

IGiveFreeCompliments@freecompliments (73)671d

Everything that I will do must put my family first. This is my responsibility as someone who aims to act like a man rather than a child. Now, I don't think I will ever accept myself as a true man (a true man won't be talking about it so much - they simply just do), but I will continue making every attempt to act as a man must. This is the best that I can strive for.

My mother is in pain. I keep wishing for her pain to go away. I keep pushing away selfish thoughts. For every selfish thought, I hurt myself by hitting myself. I wish to take her pain away and take the pain unto myself.

I was not abused in childhood to behave this way. Of course, hitting myself is nuts. Nobody taught this to me but myself. A few light spankings in childhood is not enough to create such behavior. A severe self-loathing, however, is enough to do so. And I resent myself for who I am and have become. At my age, I should not be this way. It's embarrassing.

When I come out of my ridiculous irrationality, I will probably cease hitting myself. Hopefully the good parts will remain, wherein I continue to behave with family in mind first, and not think as selfishly as I tend to do. I want it become an innate part of my nature, as it should be for any true man.

I'm screwed up, I know this. And I know that I may not live up to my ideal of how a man should be; it seems to me that this ship has already long sailed. It doesn't mean that I won't stop trying. The best I can ever do is to give it my best to become better than I once was.

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Comments · 9

  • @hive-lu(65)· 663d

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  • @freecompliments(73)· 666d

    !hiqvote !LOL !BBH !INDEED !DOOK

  • @crazyphantombr(76)· 668d

    I am not a doctor or anything, but I suspect that you are going through the depressed phase. I imagine that you have already sought expert help. You are intelligent, you know this is critical right now, you don't have to hear from someone else. You know what to do. Simply do.

  • @dbooster(79)· 671d

    I've always known you as a playfully silly guy (in the Bro server, for instance) or a super positive guy, so I'm a bit a shocked to hear this from you. I hope things improve. Please don't hesitate to DM me on Discord if you'd like to talk. I may not be good at solutions, but I am pretty good at listening.

  • @fonestreet(73)· 671d

    When we hurt our self is ok, but with that limit. Because that frustration need go away somehow bro. Keep going and remember to keep the eyes as posible as u can. 💪🏻

  • @calebmarvel01(64)· 671d

    You just need to stop cutting yourself because non of that is gonna help is such situation less they will cause you more harm than good.. i sincerely pray that the pains of your mother goes for ever, the sun is still gonna shine again.. You can only run your family affair when your mind is in a good state, i wish you well in all and pray for God's intervention..

  • @nathen007(73)· 671d

    You need to put yourself first. If you're not in a good place, then you've lost the ability to help others which simply exasperates the problem and the vicious cycle never ends.

    Take time out. Do whatever it takes to fix yourself and then return stronger.

    The nicer a person is, the more sensitive they are and the more they feel pain. You're one of the nicest.

    Taken care, get well and forget all the 'man' shit. You're a human who's suffering.

  • @thelogicaldude(74)· 671d

    It's rough man. My mom and I are basically full time care givers for my Dad that is sick stage 4 cancer with a Parkinson's cherry on top. It's a downhill slope for him. But I am having to be tough for both him and my mother. So I went from raising 2 kids (now 25 and 20) who are actually doing pretty good on their own, lol, to taking care of my parents. But that's the cycle of life.

    Hurting yourself is not going to do anyone any good, especially your mother, so I'll get daddy-like with you for a minute and tell you to cut that fucking shit out. If anything, get your ass in a gym and pump the hell out of some weights. Get a heavy bag and go to town, whatever. The best thing you can do is put aside all the extra crap, including Hive, that honestly doesn't really matter when it comes to these kind of real world issues, and focus on the fam and yourself, man.

    I have to find some outlets myself to stay sane. For me, that's where drones and guns come into play, lol. I take my frustration to the skies and to the range. Nothing makes me feel better than ripping it up with a fast ass drone, or sending some frustration down range! It's a hell of a lot cheaper than a therapist, and WAY more fun! LOL... I am in the US, so you may not be able to do the gun part, but drones are bad ass, lol. But you find whatever makes you happy, life is too fucking short not to.

    You have my Discord if you ever need to chat.

  • @ironshield(76)· 671d

    I !HOPE that your mother's pain will subside or at the very least become manageable. As for compulsive behaviors, it takes discipline and a mind-set change. Easily said, but a challenge to do.