There’s something I set aside because it wasn’t ready, and I keep calling that giving up, I replay the moment I closed the drawer, like it was a small, quiet failure unspoken, There’s something I set aside because it wasn’t ready, and I keep calling that giving up, when really I just recognized a season it wasn't the right time for it yet, There’s something I set aside because it wasn’t ready, and I keep calling that giving up, and the guilt has kept me from ever opening that drawer again to check on it like it’s unsealed, Is this actually finished, or did I just need to be somewhere else for a while first, exploring at the beginning all over again, There’s something I set aside because it wasn’t ready, and I keep calling that giving up, and perhaps the space between then and now was not empty at all, but quietly changing what I was capable of seeing…
I persist in adhering to an idea even after my own enthusiasm gradually wanes, only to return out of guilt to something that ceased to demand anythin substantial from me, I persist in adhering to an idea even after my own enthusiasm gradually wanes, and I call it commitment when it has actually become a debt I keep paying on principle day after day, I persist in adhering to an idea even after my own enthusiasm gradually wanes, until I realize that staying faithful to an old direction can sometimes mean becoming unfaithful to what I am becoming, Am I actually still here for this, or am I here because leaving would mean admitting that something I once believed in has already become something I no longer need to carry, and perhaps letting go is not the failure I have been afraid to name, I persist in adhering to an idea even after my own enthusiasm gradually wanes, and I am finally letting this one go without needing it to have been a failure, and outgrowing something does not erase the person I became while carrying it…
There’s an outcome I can’t control, no matter how much I try, and some nights, that truth settles in my chest like a heavy stone, leaving me often unable to shake it off, There’s an outcome I can’t control, no matter how much I try, and some nights, and I have confused effort with authority so many times I forgot the difference to begin with, There’s an outcome I can’t control, no matter how much I try, and some nights, and the letting go of that control has never once come easily to me day by day, Can I keep giving this my full attention without needing to also own how it ends, and discover that perhaps my responsibility is not to control the destination, but to be fully present for the becoming, There’s an outcome I can’t control, no matter how much I try, and I am giving my attention to the part that is mine to shape, while releasing the part that was never mine to carry…
I keep holding one single fixed vision so tightly that I can’t see the ten other doors standing open beside it, and I finally understand that sometimes the greatest limitation is not having too few possibilities, but being too certain about which feels mine, I keep holding one single fixed vision so tightly that I can't see the ten other doors standing open beside it, and the certainty has felt like safety even while it quietly narrowed everything around me unintendedly, I keep holding one single fixed vision so tightly that I can't see the ten other doors standing open beside it, and I wonder what I've walked past without ever turning my head to look, What would I find if I loosened my hold on the one picture I've been so sure of, I keep holding one single fixed vision so tightly that I can’t see the ten other doors standing open beside it, and to see what else has been waiting, because perhaps the real freedom is not choosing the right door, but remembering that I was never limited to one…
Watchwords: A thing I set aside, not ready, Loyal to an idea long after my energy left, An outcome I don't get to control, One single fixed vision held too tightly, Turning my head to see what else waits,
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream:
“As you are still the Master of your destiny and the maker of your dreams…”
