#funny

How To Make A Creative Post More Creative Than The Most

NoNamesLeftToUse@nonameslefttouse (77)2592d

_{Hello and—yeah. Welcome to my goddamn post.}

My name is Mr. Himself

^{and I'll be your substitute art teacher while Mr. Scott is off getting his penis enlarged.}

NoNamesLeftToUse - Class.jpeg

First Thing's First

^{I need to tell you something important.}

I lied in my job interview.

The truth is: I'm not supposed to be within 500 feet of anyone who needs to learn something.

I quit drinking three days ago though; I think I'm ready.

I didn't know those desks were so flammable and when they called me up to tell me Mrs. Legspread or whatever the hell her name was got knocked up again and I'd have to be teaching science for a few months, I had no way of knowing the pot still we engineered to make the whiskey would explode like that.

So anyway, after the incident, I still needed a way to make ends meet and since they legalized weed it's been kind of hard to make money in the mall parking lot like I used to. I ended up stumbling across an online advertisement while browsing through some porn videos and that led me to a fake teacher who went by the alias, "Jerry," and he was busy selling courses on how to become a fake teacher just like him. He showed me all this money he made and I was all like here take my money within minutes.

After three years of living in Kazakhstan while the old me was busy faking my death, I finally graduated and receieved some fake credentials mailed to me in a box along with a cool little bonus video about "How To Take Care of Yourself" that I've yet to watch.

I don't even know what some of this stuff means but it sure looks good on paper and I really like my new passport.

Mr. Himself?

Yes?

Does this mean you're a criminal?

Not anymore.

Moving along.

^{So you want to be creative?}

Step one: You gotta know how to bullshit.

Everything I told you just now, was bullshit.

You were all looking at me like oh my god that is so interesting and I probably could have kept on going for days.

The truth is: I drink too much and can't hold down a job, so I lied to those people, said I quit drinking, and they're so fucking gullible they decided to give me my fourth second chance.

But that's not very interesting, now is it?

No!

^{It's pathetic!}

But if you believe in your own bullshit enough, you can do anything!

When it comes to being creative and telling a story, you gotta know how to stretch the truth a little bit.

It's not a lie when you're being paid to make up some bullshit!

That's your job now!

^{Everyone in this business is full of shit!}

And now you can, too!

Step two: Believe in yourself even when you don't believe in yourself.

Observe:

"Look at this wonderful picture of horses I made!"

NoNamesLeftToUse - Wonderful Horses.png

^{Wonderful Horses}

I know that is a terrible picture of horses but if I do not believe in myself, then who will?

Never title your creative posts: I'm A Fucking Amatuer Who Doesn't Know Shit

You must always own your work. Say it is awesome! Do not say: I'm not too proud of this. I probably shouldn't even be doing this. I suck.

If you've screwed up, say: No! That's not a screw up! I did it that way on purpose for I am an artiste and I live by my own rules!

People will bow down to you and your fervor.

Combine step one and step two and dance your way to being the most creative and respected human alive on this planet!

Or lay down in a puddle of your own piss and cry. I don't care. There are no silly grades in these courses. I make my money whether you learn something or not.

Now. Was I bullshitting or telling the truth?

Ah ha!

^{You see how good I am!}

You have no idea what just hit you!

I am the master!

^{And you are the student.}

The little shit who doesn't know anything!

Who's in charge here!

^{Huh! Huh!}

Mr. Himself?

You sit your ass down and shut up your mouth!

Now where were we?

Step three...

Mr. Himself? I really need to go the bathroom.

Good job!

^{Did everyone else see that perfect example of step one?}

You are one fast learner there but you can't fool me! You just want to go wander the halls and maybe pull out your phone so you can tell your mommy you want spaghetti for supper tonight.

Now where was I. Seemed to have lost my page here...

What the hell is that smell?

Did you just shit yourself?

Come up here and show the class!

Now this is why I became a teacher!

You bullshitted, you believed in yourself — and now look!

It takes some actors years to be able to cry on command and you're already shitting your pants after one lesson!

Everyone give this kid a round of applause!

Okay well,

^{it looks like we're out of time here for today.}

Sit down! I didn't say you could leave yet!

You got homework tonight! I want to see thirty jars full of shit on my desk in the morning before I get here and some bullshit story about how you made it! 500 words minimum!

Class dismissed!

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Credits:

All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.

NoNamesLeftToUse Outro.png

^{"If you took that seriously, go back to step one."}

Comments · 17

@arcange(79)· 2591d
Congratulations @nonameslefttouse! Your post was mentioned in the Steem Hit Parade in the following category:
- Comments - Ranked 5 with 66 comments
@ginnyannette(69)· 2591d
So I'm looking through these comments, and I'm a little freaked out because I'm the only one sitting here like: Yeah, that's totally my philosophy. Bullshit all the way. For instance:

I did it that way on purpose for I am an artiste and I live by my own rules!

Yep, I think that all the time when I catch grammar mistakes in my own writing. Lol.

If life is only how you perceive it, and your perception could be considered bullshit by someone else, then everyone's perception is bullshit, which means...life is bullshit. I had no idea bullshit was so deep. Well, I knew I was full of shit, but I didn't know life was.

What does it all mean? The drunk teacher and I, unexpectedly, could have an excellent bullshit conversation. He can keep his jar though, he's only getting metaphorical shit from me.
@sirapa(57)· 2591d
Funny but quite helpfull. I totally agree those three steps you told. Its true that you should have faith in yourself, no one will believe you unless you believe in yourself. Thank you that was really motivating.
@artisticscreech(65)· 2591d
"I quit drinking three days ago though"

Not drinking is great. It leaves so much time for other, better drugs. lol

"But if you believe in your own bullshit enough, you can do anything!"

This line sounds like it should be bullshit but my experience tells me that its true. People are attracted to a person who looks like he or she knows what he or she is doing and who seems to have a purpose even if they don't know shit and just wonder through life. People used to say "fake until you make it" but I think that faking well it might actually be making it.
@ruth-girl(76)· 2591d

I'll work on the 🐮💩 story later, now I have to clean myself up...
@meesterboom(81)· 2591d
That's what everyone days when I shit myself. I mean I just wonder how they know, you know?
@bil.prag(76)· 2591d

But if you believe in your own bullshit enough, you can do anything!

well a great example, we have a deputy prime minister and minister of the interior for who we are 50% sure that he finished kindergarten, but he is sure that he has a doctorate and a lot of people believe him. you just need to believe.

so legalising is not moving criminals of the streets, it is just making them buy fake diplomas :D
@dreemit(73)· 2592d
I recently discovered a site that will anonymously send shit to people through the mail, lots of variety from dog shit to horse shit...I think one thing they're lacking is a recording of the person's face when they open this package, now that would be worth the price of delivery!
@jonsnow1983(76)· 2592d
Sometimes it's hard to me to have that creative mind. I guess I need to raise up my sense of humor and start poolishing my bullshiting skills a bit more. Regards champ!

Posted using Partiko Android
@derangedvisions(81)· 2592d
I truly enjoy how you are able to throw shit references into each post. I commend the creativity, and for that you are truly a master at your craft. So many people would benefit from taking notes from your posts, but their meager attention spans won't allow them to get past the second sentence.
@trayan(71)· 2592d
Now I saw your signature is actually a creature :)
@cryptkeeper17(65)· 2592d
Hello and—yeah. Welcome to my goddamn post. My name is Mr. Himself and I'll be your substitute art teacher while Mr. Scott is off getting his penis enlarged.
That would explain a lot as in where all the centralized steem is going to every day. It's very productive and could lead to a company breakthrough. At least that would introduce him to the concept of some kind of percentage growth over a period of time.
@skramatters(67)· 2592d
I am a third of the way there due to some spillage, what I learned from Mr. Himself was that he never said it had to be my shit. I’m outta jars but we are full of shit over here.. I believe in us, not you and I but me and my shit squad.. doo doo pistols cocked n loaded

Posted using Partiko iOS
@onceuponatime(73)· 2592d
You, and I, we've been through that :-)

All Along the Watchtower

WRITTEN BY: BOB DYLAN

“There must be some way out of here,” said the joker to the thief

“There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief

Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth

None of them along the line know what any of it is worth”

“No reason to get excited,” the thief, he kindly spoke

“There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke

But you and I, we’ve been through that, and this is not our fate

So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late”

All along the watchtower, princes kept the view

While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too

Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl

Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl

Copyright © 1968 by Dwarf Music; renewed 1996 by Dwarf Music
@swedishdragon(69)· 2592d

Observe: "Look at this wonderful picture of horses I made!"

RATFFLOL; slAm Dunk :P
@abh12345(80)· 2592d
I have nothing this week. No shit, no text.

I do though have a vast array of tokens that if I add up all the curation rewards from will just about buy me a jar.
@healthandfitness(62)· 2592d
Omg!! This made my day😂😂😂😂👍👌