Am I Smitten Or Stupid … and What Exactly Is The Difference?

Ok. First: I was wrong. It IS possible to fall in love online and I just did it. YAY! More nay … What @mayb the problem? Yes, dear reader, please don't take it personally. It is a @mayb-problem, my problem. But I bet there are some souls out there sharing it.

When you catch a rash, a flue or a depression catches you, you can choose from a variety of remedies. From whatever your grandma told you over a shitload of pharma products to magic, praying, intention or whatever you prefer. But where do you go when your brain is producing this insane mix of dopamine, adrenalin, cortisol, and oxytocin while at the same time lacking serotonin? Who can help me out with that? Noone? That's what I thought …

Most people would agree that it is a wonderful feeling. And millions of movies, books, and cheesy dripping ballades can't be wrong. Love, more so falling into it, is a selling point. Everybody wants to experience it and there are huge markets profiting from this human need. Online dating portals, matchmaker, … even totally unrelated products are being advertised with it. Love, Love, Love! If you can't have it, have this phone instead!

Love and Love and Love and Love – Like, … A Million Different Things

Still, the mass of people understanding this concept would disagree. How can you not love love? Oh, I do. I am one of its biggest advertisers. It's just that I love unconditional universal love. I would love love to live in a world that's all about that. Where nobody flags anyone, war doesn't exist and people have mutual respect for each other. Shush! Yes, everybody. Don't ask me about hate speech and such while I am talking about universal love. It doesn't exist there and asking about it is the reason why it neither exists here, yet. And have you ever caught yourself hating hate speech? Well, the irony …

Love is just a loose term for so many different ideas, most of them I understand, but when it comes to romantic love, I kind of forgot what I thought I knew about it. Four months ago, I wrote about some flaws of mine. Number one: Avoiding myself by falling in love. It is something I have been working on for a while now and I more and more become aware of myself and what is happening when I throw myself onto someone (Like I would tend to call it, status quo of my self-studies). I only miss company when I am miserable. And of course, everybody deserves a good friend when they're feeling down. But why the heck does my mind combine those two things?

"I am miserable." + "I need someone who romantically loves me."

It shows me that my subconscious holds the belief that a romantic partner would be someone who's responsible for making me feel better about myself. I would never consciously expect that, obviously, however, it's there. But that is just one of the things I have noticed from avoiding it for a while now. It kind of never stops, there's an endless stream of information about myself I wasn't aware of. I feel as if a romantic partner in most cases is nothing else but the person who witnesses my every meltdown and who can assist me with avoiding to deal with myself. And there is this crazy difference we make between friendships and romantic relationships: Most of us would never yell at their friends. Well, a lot of us. I hope. Who, however, is not guilty of having it done to a partner? Our exes have seen all the faces we're hiding from the rest of us. And often their resonance simply deepens the pain, makes us feel even more vulnerable and can cause a vicious circle.

Nowadays when I am feeling as low as I can feel, I shed some tears, fill my journals, nobody's there who could be made responsible, or to be abused to distract myself from those feelings. I fully feel them, I write and think about them, and try to heal them in doing so. No one accidentally gets in the way, nobody needs to feel responsible (the flipside to this coin, feeling in charge for the wellbeing of someone else).

Braining = Training Your Brain

What a long intro. Isn't it, @mayb? Is it love or anxiety you're describing? When will you finally introduce us to the man you fell in love with? Obviously, what I am talking about is an anxiety attack. Neither to be confused with love nor a panic attack.

My experiences with relationships before have trained my brain. And I am braining neuroplasticity for two years now. I actively rewrite and rewire the programs in my mind. Meeting others who try the same, writing about it, yoga, meditation, repeat.

Have I simply slipped from one comfort zone to the other perhaps? From the comfort of avoiding myself by falling in love to the comfort of never falling in love again to avoid dealing with others? Well, I am avoiding talking about this guy … Ok, let's do this. It's embarrassing, definitely stepping out of my comfort zone right now …

Can't Ply Me Love

I got drunk the other day. Yeah, that's what lots of big love stories begin with, right? ;) I was drinking alone. Already an indicator. Yes, I was feeling lonely this evening, I missed someone's company. I was fully aware of all the above, so I definitely wasn't looking for romantic company, simply someone to talk to. My expectations were pretty low. So, I did what everybody tells you to never do and went to omegle. I figured everyone was right, so I want to tune into this choir and tell you DON'T EVER DO THAT.

It is a video chat roulette site. First, I clicked myself through a bunch of dicks, then I was with a teenager who played some pop songs on his keyboard for me. I grabbed my guitar and accompanied him until his mother came in and he abruptly ended the chat. And that's where the craziness began. A face appeared. One of the few actual faces on this platform. And it was a beautiful one. It turned from startled about seeing me to a huge smile. I guess my eyes did the exact same thing. We talked for hours, both of us amazed about the other one and where they had come from. We share the same birthday, many views and ideas, he mentioned an incredible amount of things that I am right now working on to manifest for myself. It was as if the universe had sent the perfect fit to support my future plans. For 3 months I was manifesting to live in the country where he comes from, he works in a field I left … He felt incredibly good and somewhat healing. So, there are spiritual people in this blood empty scene? Someone like him is responsible for a company like those I left? Wow, universe! You know how to surprise me and give my brain a new gyrus.

It is possible to catch this hormone cocktail of soppiness from meeting someone online. The comments below my other post that asserted it were right. It took the guy a week to tell me that he is married. No judgment on my side. More the feeling of relief and another confirmation (for me, personally) that what we call romantic love needs a long overdue update. If you ask me, it is incredibly often confused with projection and codependency.

I found out a way to produce a body experience quite close to feeling a crush. Some songs played as loud as possible do the job. The below one is my favorite at the moment. I didn't know the lyrics to the original until today. And I felt like they belong here, too.