Telling you something about psyche, inconveniences, the naked truth. Those who followed a bit lately know the greater situation.
So here's the thing in all that tragedy. It happened in my home. Maiks home for 25 years, he was the constant in this big community house, I was the last resort. Over the many years people came and went. But all connected to Maik in one way or another. I joined this community 20 years ago for the first time.
So you are at your home, the place you shared with Maik, though each had its own apartment. The place where over the years everything became one, without being one. Stuff gets thrown together, one buys this, the other that, storage is shared...just daily normal freakin community life. You live in one house, you share what comes with it. Freakin normal daily stuff. Routine. Nothing you would waste an extra thought on. Freakin normal daily life.
Now your home is your home, your space, until you call the emergency number. I was home until that moment. The last time I was able to be home without knowing it was the last time because from that moment on my place got "invaded".
I hadn't had a moment to breathe and to be home again, people every day, people I saw the first time. My sisters support system. She needs all of it. But as hard as it sounds. It happened at "our" place so to say. My sister didn't live here. So still my home.
Imagine you are at home, the one you may look around right now and the next time you will be home, and I mean home alone like everyone's gone at a certain point in time, people have lives, so the next time you are home alone is when they have ripped everything out, people that never lived here went through everything that you have the straightest connection too and that's the moment you are home again. Empty house. The family comes and empties the house because legaly his "daily life family" is worth shit when there is no marriage certificate. Brother in law he was for me but not legally.
Anyways, my own freaking nightmare movie because the last time I saw my home, like my own-life-home was 1530 Sunday 29th.
Psyche...psyche. There are so many emotions coming with it. When you suddenly have ppl around 24/7 due to location and shit you deal with all their shit in your home because they sit at your table.
I just wanna be home for a moment... before home as I know is gone forever.
Emotions, interrogations, investigations, assumptions...a lot of noise.
My sister is Maiks spouse, her point of view is different. Counts for everyone as everyone has its own history with Maik. They all have voices and my sisters and the one of his parents side are the most important.
I am in this weird role. My place, my memories, my life with Maik as a buddy, landlord, family member, neighbour. Our own little eco-system. They don't know cause they didn't live here. Neighbours do.
Now they are all here, 1530 Sunday 29th, last time alone.
I'm not only the first at the "crime scene", the bearer of the bad news, the one exposed to the first interrogations, the one who opened the door hours after the hearse left for this psycho bitch without knowing, but the one who actually lives here and still does.
With all the people suddenly "invading" your personal, private space, there is no room for your own shit story to talk it out or deal with it because there are all those other needs and they are met at your place. Your home, your castle, my ass.
It feels like your head is exploding and it is draining, but you understand. In between you don't because, hey, it is your home!
They touch stuff, they see trash where I see Maiks chilli plant pots, they judge without meaning bad. If they wanna know about Maik and the house they should ask me, because I live here and know his routines which they just can't by nature. And it is also still my home. I know stuff because I live here. But my voice is the smallest in all those family and partner voices. Understand and don't. Still my home.
But another burden on top.
Thursday his family arrives the first time. I doubt I will ever have a chance to be home again.
It is this moment that I realize for a very strange reason that this place here, Hive, is what will get me through this. "You" give me what the others can't because you are neutral. I can talk it out. Therapy kinda. Don't give a damn from where you are if you read, I appreciate the read and a neutral comment if you will but I don't wanna burst inside and this is my space. My other home so to say, though I've been on vaca for a bit. I love my folks at home but I need to talk about my pov in a neutral environment...at home.
Thanks!
