CAVEAT: this is a genuinely sacred rant, with heartfelt intention to release and resolve the tensions, charge and contraction around my challenging moment: absolutely NO UNSOLICITED ADVICE wanted, and thank you so much for your witness with judgement or projection.

#🙏🙌👐

Dear Rant, Complain, Talk friends,

These are the most heavy of days; I feel a weight in me of carrying the world, the egregore, the collective cusp of discovery in which almost everyone is going through the motions, whilst the unveiled Truth of our constructed reality laps at their ankles, then their knees, thighs, belly, chest - and they carry on regardless.

Being a holder and speaker of Truth feels like a weight too much, in the particular context of our returning to the land, to wild nature and to our bare minimum of what we need to survive. On the one hand/ foot we are absolutely sovereign, free, exactly where we want to be - and on the other we are floundering, in an environment that we can't protect ourselves from - hoping that the energy will shift, but finding that mostly the challenges are piling up, with little prospect of our resolving them (before we are further exposed).

The heat is the main culprit, and no-one we meet is enjoying this epic drought and these boiling temperatures - if we have heard about folks baking themselves at the seaside. On our northeast-facing mountainside, we feel as exposed as anything, so very, very glad not to be near the floor of a valley in a south-facing zone. Another dawn augments the buildings' heat, and there is not much we can do bar blacking out the windows, putting our feet in pots of water, spraying our bodies with cooling water, and meditating hard whilst laying as still as we can, between short bouts of weak activity.

I am scared of these coming weeks, feeling as unwell as I currently do with severe heat fatigue, and as unable as we are, to do much productive work - on zero budget - to our very basic buildings. It feels like being trapped in a chaotic life of someone else, and this reminds me horribly of how I grew up: absent parents, piling in drunk and violent well after our feeding time, and the state of the house not being fit for purpose - descending into worse and worse state as one parent after another gave up the marriage... and the care-giving. Thankfully, their separation brought two additional care-givers onto the scene - two new marriages gifting us four parents in total, seeming like a fabulous solution... Oopah, except that they now were all four of them drunk, chaotic and not caring much.

I have a long-term recurrent dream about a property that I own in Cyprus, that I must reclaim: multifarious dreams about returning there and looking for it. For the first time last night I dreamt that it was impractical to travel there at this time of the year, in this heat, and anyways I had no recollection of where the paperwork ever was. The house was a funny primitive cube with a super dry surrounding area, in a rural-urban setting. No garden.

It feels impossible at times in my life, to climb out of a daily cycle of chaos and up into our glorious REAL life, which is simultaneously unfolding here around us. I feel locked between a deeply-traumatised past, and deep fears around not being able to support ourselves in the imminent future - as geo-conspiring, totalitarian digital controls and the collective threatening to just keep merrily gamboling off of the cliff that they're being herded towards -all this rolls out around us. Wildfires, floods, dried-out rivers and trees, desertification, landslides not far from us: we pray for protection, and return all the waters freely flowing through our jolly yellow hosepipe back to the earth, so far as they can reach (support us on Patreon, to help us buy a longer hose!)

Symptoms are dropping folks around us like - not like flies; but like people have been switched into automatons and crackligly-thin superficiality. Living conversations are hard to come by, and I am more and more disturbed about the scale at which the psyops are succeeding. The New Numbness. The infinitely-repetitive rhetorts that echo from our embodied interactions: the clichés that are absurd and per-verse; the same chat, rinsed and repeated. The vacant (or often, the possessed) looks on folks faces, when we defer from the script and talk in spontaneous, rooted Reality: saying what we really feel, stating the truth of our divine blessings of alignment and autonomy. The cold-shouldering or sideways glowering that come when we speak up and ask for witness. The collective shunning, because the collective attention span has chronic amnesia - is in a fugue state.

There are days in which we rally; rising to the necessary work for our surthrival, and loving our tiny wee successes - yesterday Vincent finished removing the chimney, and I cleaned up the courtyard. But today is another kind of day: awake a lot of the night with biting insects - too hot and tired to sit up and hunt them down - barely able to wake up, but burned out of the tent at dawn, as per usual. Exhausted and overheated already by the vital garden watering, between feeling deeply concerned about aerial spraying and lack of rains turning the unwatered parts to dust, and finding the water tube to heavy to lift up the hill.

I've been very abrupt with Vincent today and this week, and have asked for my own space - which I increasingly need, to navigate the immensity of that which I'm feeling - and which we very rarely demand of each other. Today might need to be a rare resting day, to reflect and rejig internally; to feel into what's best, out of the great list of basic jobs to make our home habitable and our workshop workable... to figure out what we can improvise, what we can find for minimal cost, nearby. What can we take freely from nature.

Letting go completely, and being fully-immersed in the pervading heat. Nothing else in this moment is possible.

Letting go is the perfect antidote as we move forward - even if the movement is imperceptible to us in our flapping and feckery. It is the most beautiful symmetry, treating this imploding situation with inaction, silence, unthinkingness, and not leaning forward with every fibre of our being. Surrender. Letting the Universe reorganise rightly around us, as it has tendency to do when we stop pushing so hard.

Learning how to live in the new world, whilst the old, unsustainable, false world is falling all around us, dying empires crumbling in rage-full denial of their power waning: it is neither easy nor simple. And yet, that is All it Is: at times we could surrender to our having little to do to physically to alter this course we are on. All the hard work is in releasing expectation, letting go of our previous lives, and learning to navigate towards the new by being fully responsible, ready for anything; willing to do the hardest work of all: creating harmony in a dynamically healing world that we are inalienably woven into the very fabric of.

Here's hoping it rains (a lot) very soon,

With Love 💐