When the Abused Doesn’t Heal, the Abused Becomes the Abuser
Oh, words from an old friend. The irony, though.
Yep, I’ve been asleep for this long because I’ve been busy conducting a little social experiment -- let’s just call it that. Now I have content for you guys haha. Naaa but seriously tho, too many lessons learned this time, and I think I have a few things to impart to y'all. So yeah, I'm back. Again haha.
But let’s bring the old Hive back or maybe bring my old self back too while we're at it, shall we? t’s getting a little too Sunshiney out here.
This post is especially for the ladies of Hive. Girlies, how do we spot a narc or a potential abuser from a mile away so we can protect ourselves? How do we stop attracting these types and solidify our own self-worth instead?
Now, I’m by no means trauma-free. I’ve been pretty damn authentic with my posts since 2017, and you guys know I’ve had my own struggles. I have my own darkness to deal with and I'm still actively healing.
We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life - Carl Jung
And surely, I met myself during this very surreal experience of encountering narcs (with s yes lol) covert or otherwise. I used to just listen to stories about them from friends or read about them on Reddit. Nothing quite beats a first-hand experience, tho.
But the interesting part is that this experience has also forced me to turn the mirror back on myself. Lately, I’ve been asking: Have I love-bombed people too? Have I been overly affectionate too early on? Have I been so consumed by my own trauma that I became self-absorbed?
Because honestly, it’s easy to dissect someone else’s behavior when you’re the one sitting across from them. It’s much harder when you have to examine your own.
And maybe that’s part of the lesson too.
But here’s the thing: my trauma is not an excuse to go out of my way to hurt people.
Sure, I’m not perfect. I’ve hurt people but just creepy assholes -- y'know fuck around and find out? But I don’t go around looking for vulnerable people who have done nothing to me just so I can extract attention, affection, validation, sex, or whatever emotional supply I need that day.
That’s what abusers and highly manipulative people do. And they walk among us. They can be charming. Influential. Have a great public image. Be well-liked. Sometimes they even call themselves Kings (yep Narcs). LOL.
So anyway, here are some things I've learned to watch out for.
1. They love-bomb you.
Too much flattery, sweetness, intensity.
Too much, too soon.
They barely know you, but suddenly you're the most amazing woman they've ever met. Their soulmate. The woman they've been waiting for their entire life.
Meanwhile, they still don't know what you do for a living or the name of your fucking dog.
Healthy, emotionally stable people generally take time to get to know someone before making grand declarations. They want to protect their precious hearts and are not too desperate for a romantic connection.
2. Boundaries? What boundaries?
You tell them to slow down. They don't. Instead, they keep pushing for more -- more commitment, more intimacy, more time, more sex.
Everything has to move fast because if they can get you emotionally invested quickly enough, you'll hopefully ignore the red flags later.
3. Future faking.
Very early on, they're already talking about your future together. Relocation. Lots of Travels. Living together.
All these beautiful things you want to hear. And maybe you're sitting there thinking, Wow. Finally. Someone who knows what they want.
Girl. They don't even know your dog's name yet. Calm the fuck down.
4. Generic terms of endearment very early on.
"Babe." "Love." "Dear." "Baby."
Now obviously, using pet names doesn't automatically make someone an abuser. Let's not start diagnosing every man who calls you babe tho.
But when someone is showering you with intimacy and affection before they've actually taken the time to know you, pay attention.
Sometimes you're not being loved, you're just being slotted into a role. And anyone could have filled it.
5. Gifts, gifts, and more gifts.
Or they constantly tell you about the gifts they're going to give you. Again, nothing wrong with gift-giving. Some people genuinely enjoy giving gifts. The problem is when generosity becomes a tool to create obligation.
Or when the promise of gifts is constantly used to entice you, keep you interested, or keep you hooked.
Nothing is free if there's an invisible invoice attached to it.
6. They're "in love" with you before they even know you.
They tell you they're deeply into you and maybe even in love with you. Two weeks in they don't know what you do for work. They don't remember your pet's name. They barely ask questions about your life. You slowly start feeling unseen and, ironically, lonely in a relationship that was supposedly overflowing with affection.
Because they don't love you. They love the fantasy they created in their head. You're their dopamine source. And you're just playing the NPC.
7. They're manipulative AF.
Passive-aggressive. Love-bombing. Trauma-Dumping. Guilt-tripping. Withdrawal. Discard. You know the whole DARVO. They will silence you during their withdrawal and even tell you not to reply (Who does this? Only Narcs lol) Making you feel bad for having needs. Maybe you don't reply affectionately enough. Maybe you don't give them enough attention. Maybe you simply want to discuss something that bothered you. And suddenly, somehow you feel like you're the problem -- it's all part of the game. You can't win them - they are always the victims. They will never apologize. So it's best not to reason with them, just save your energy and walk away.
And here's the thing.
Not all abusive or manipulative people are verbally or physically abusive, sometimes the more confusing ones are emotionally manipulative. Like you bring up a need or try to have a difficult conversation, and suddenly they evade the actual issue. They'll say something that sounds perfectly reasonable, like -- "I need to step away right now."
Okay. Fair enough. People are allowed to take space but then something tragic conveniently happens on their end. Or they disappear. Or you're left sitting there, unable to express what you actually feel, while they withdraw completely. You get frustrated. Your needs have been repeatedly ignored.
Eventually, because you're a fucking human being, you snap.
And there it is. Now you're the aggressive one, the abusive one. Suddenly, you're apologizing and comforting your abuser. The original issue? Gone and never resolved. Be careful with this dynamic.
Your reaction to repeated mistreatment doesn't automatically make you the perpetrator. At the same time, I think we should be careful about casually labeling every unhealthy relationship conflict as Reactive Abuse. What matters is looking at the pattern : who repeatedly crosses boundaries, who evades accountability, who escalates or provokes, and who consistently turns the conversation around to avoid addressing the harm they caused.
Can trauma turn someone into a narc or an abuser?
Trauma can absolutely affect how people relate to others.
It can make people fearful, defensive, emotionally dysregulated, avoidant, controlling, or desperate for validation. But trauma is not a free pass to hurt people. If you're self-aware and actively doing the work to heal, that's one thing.
If you're repeatedly using other human beings as emotional punching bags or vending machines for attention, affection, validation, sex, or ego boosts while knowing exactly what you're doing that's another.
We all need to self-reflect too like why do we keep getting pulled toward these types? Why does intensity sometimes feel like love? Why do we ignore our own discomfort?
Why do we keep giving people access to us after they've shown us they don't respect our boundaries? The goal isn't to become paranoid and assume every charming person is a narcissist. The goal is to become solid enough that we don't need to cling to someone just because they made us feel special for two weeks . Decenter "them", just focus on yourself. Your hobbies, pets, friends. Or just your own damn life.
Because if something feels too good to be true, it probably is. The fantasy can feel amazing. Being desired intensely by someone can make you feel special, chosen, and like you've finally found your person. But sometimes, it's just that a fantasy. They don't actually know you yet.You are an idea in their head.
And maybe that's why everything feels so perfect. Real intimacy takes time. So if something feels off in the beginning, trust your gut. Believe the patterns. Don't ignore that tiny voice just because the fantasy feels too good to let go of. Your nervous system might be picking up on something your heart isn't ready to admit yet.
Because when your life is already full, it's much harder for someone to walk in, throw glitter everywhere, promise you the moon, and convince you that they're the only source of happiness you've ever had.
And finally, this is one book I highly recommend to women who want to better understand patterns of abusive and controlling behavior:
Why Does He Do That? — Penguin Random House
Anyway.
Welcome back to the darker side of Hive. 🖤
