Have you ever been in that setting, especially during family gatherings, and people plan your future fit you while you are just there looking at them as they talk? Someone will mention how to get a stable job, and another will plan on how to settle down and have a family. Yeah, that is me, but I only laugh it through that moment because correcting them will only portray me as rude, and because that part of me is relieved they seem so sure.
At some point, my thoughts used to be that the people expected too much from me, which I seemed to be the problem. And as time goes on, what I have personally discovered on my own is less flattering in a way that all their expectations of me can be a hiding place. If I decide to do things according to their plans and become unhappy, I can easily shift the blame on each and every one of them. Choosing for myself is harder. If it didn't go as planned, I won't be able to return the disappointment to anyone.
Being an architect, I know that designing a building for a client can satisfy them according to the specification and the brief they want, but for the person renting the house and planning to live in it, it can be an awkward home. I imagine if the same scenario applies to my life, deciding to make choices that look sensible to family members while keeping my personal wishes small enough not to cause arguments.
This doesn't mean that all those giving me advice are wrong. Some of what they say are from a deep place of love, and I won't act so stupid to turn them down to prove a point that I am independent. But what I feel is that advice should help me clearly see the road, not try to control the steering wheel. Before allowing it to settle, I always think deeply if that advice makes sense or if I am agreeing to it just because I don't want to disapprove of someone; therefore, it changes the way I look at me.
So, at the moment, I have figured out some things by doing some of the things I wanted, and at the same time, I am still figuring out some of the things I want because in life, I have come to believe that I can't have it all at once. And I am also less embarrassed by some uncertainty. I would rather sit down, think things through and make an honest choice and learn from my mistakes than for someone to be controlling my life, then be praised for a life I never chose.
Maybe growing up is coming in terms that there will always be people around me who may misunderstand my direction, despite my own fear and their disappointment, and decide to walk away, without necessary making what they have to say or their approval the price of being at peace with myself.
Thank you for reading.
