Well, I will say that quietest battle was not finishing anything. It was starting it. Sometimes, I will have my laptop opened in front of me, charge my phone until it is full, arrange some files, tidy up the table before going back to the work I had planned to start. And maybe if a anyone walks in, I looked fully busy. But deep Inside, I was only trying to avoid the possibility of doing something badly and having to face what comes with it.
I am the only one aware of this because one of the strategies I usually use is a to make delay looks like preparation. Sometimes, I might tell someone that I was researching, trying to to find the best time to make things in order or even making some researches. In most cases, those were not lies. Most often, what I am always afraid of it that putting in all my best efforts and strategies might not be adequate.
The terrible aspect is that some days just disappear without starting. And before I sleep at night sometimes, what comes to my mind is that task I ignored and postponed when the day started. And I do not think anyone should talk to me me or scold me because I have done that to myself.
By setting out the rules, I started changing, work for some couple of minutes before making improvements on the plan. And sometimes when I need to write, I start with some rough paragraphs and points. She. I need to draw, I list out the briefs and do some rough sketches, or one unfinished task.
Some days, I still stopped earlier than expected, but what I have stopped doing is treating everyday that I am able to finish my task as proof that I was not capable because I am.
The habit is still sometimes there because I still battles with it occasionally..it still comes back when something matters to me. But presently, I know that I was not waiting for more time or motivation. What I was always waiting and anticipating for it is that assurance that I will not fail.
And what I have also realised is the avoiding those task is not because I am lazy, I just simply means that I have been fighting something inside of me that is invisible to others.
Thank you for reading.
