I don't "do" small talk.
And must admit I've always been a tad proud of my dislike for small talk. Like many, I find it a sign of intelligence, in a way. Like, I don't need to rely on filler topics like the weather. If I want to talk to you, I'm usually up in your business before you've had time to tell me your name. I end up in interesting, weird conversations a lot, and tend to invite people to reveal themselves. I want to know about your life, and your heartbreak, and your marriage, and your choices as a person. I want to know about you, and often, I've found my dislike for small talk has been no great impediment.
People love to tell you about themselves. And generally, they enjoy getting to the meat of whatever problem's weighing them down a whole lot more than they do chatting about weather. Humans are such fascinating creatures, and it's interesting to remember that at any given moment, we're probably going through hugely exciting and unusual things. It's worth asking and I typically do.
I often find myself in unusual conversations, which carry of course the caveat of setting up an unusual relationship with the person. I ask, and I'm told, but in a way, I have a sense it's unearned. Kinda like skipping the first ten dates and going straight to living with someone. It's great, and technically it looks genuine and deep... but all things have their natural progression, and it's risky skipping that.
Small talk often feels like pretending to see you. And I don't really see the point. Fuck that. I really wanna see you.
Jordan Peterson talks about that a fair bit, and he was just touching on the importance of small talk in one of the theological lectures on PA. Saying how small talk ought to be a gateway to more meaningful conversations, and how hiding behind your own social awkwardness, saying you "don't do small talk" does you a disservice in the long run.
Certainly, there's a difference between small talking with someone you don't know very well, and meeting a long time friend and talking about the weather.
I like to take the shortcut, and get to the interesting, deep topics. But that tends to create all sorts of other problems. People forget what the relationship is if you've talked about their weirdest nightmares and sexual fantasies, and sometimes, you may not want that.
Lately, I've been in a state of awkwardness whenever I run into my boss at the gym. He's a great, very friendly guy but I always have the impression he'd like to talk more, whereas I'm quite curt. I'm polite and nice and friendly and all, I just don't like feigning interest. I want to know you. I like getting to know people generally. But I lack measure. I want to know all of you, warts and all. I want to ask you inappropriate questions and stare at you a bit too much. I want to psychoanalyze you, and pick you apart. My kink is asking.
As the kids say. Only, I'm beginning to see how that might not work so well. I want to keep asking. So.
How do you get better at small talk?
(I did manage to have a great, very nice, friendly session of small talk later in the evening, with someone else, though. So I guess there's always next week, gym guy.)
