Well, I followed my marathon accomplishment with a rest day. Then another, then another.. I can’t lie, this week has been unproductive as all hell. A product of the unpleasant combination of mental health problems, bad weather, and downright laziness. Not really keeping up with promises to myself.
I can’t kick myself too much about it though, because what is that really going to accomplish? I think that when I was going through active addiction, I would’ve just let that trend continue. Rather than facing my struggles and feelings, I would drown them in substances and be perfectly alright with it due to the dopamine I received from partying and just the chaotic spiral of life. And it worked for me, so I would chalk that up to a good time.
It was a good time. But I want to try to find that same dopamine in more organic experiences.. so I persist. Yesterday, I had the day off, and was excited to get down the hill and skate, hit the gym, etc. I woke up late, and despite sleeping extremely well just did not feel that into it. Like, at all. Nevertheless, I scrambled my backpack together and caught the bus. I got to town, and still.. just not into it. I told myself, hey, just get yourself moving, you’ll find the motivation.
Wrong. Actually, worse than just WRONG.. I managed to eat shit pretty hard skating on something very small and routine. A clear sign that I was right when I woke up this morning- today is not the day. I started walking(limping) down to the gym, but I started thinking to myself that maybe dehydration was the issue. So I stopped by Safeway. While slowly wandering the aisles, I started thinking about how disorganized my van was, and the thought of just heading home and cleaning house made me much more excited than the original plan of going to the gym. Everything seemed so tedious, like I had to force myself to do it… but getting organized and getting my shit together seemed exciting in comparison.
So I abandoned ship and walked back to the bus stop. A quick hour later I was getting off at the Chevron. I happily made my way back to the van and started tearing it apart. It was satisfying. At a certain point(I honestly can’t recall when this happened), I decided a run would make me feel better, and would make up for me skipping the gym and skating for what felt like 5 minutes; although it was objectively longer than that… surely…….
After hastily putting the van back together*(one small step at a time)*, and plugging my phone in to the power bank, I crawled the Chevy back down the hill. After an impressive amount of indecisiveness, I settled on a parking spot and set off on a run. I don’t know why this surprised me as it did.. maybe I just hadn’t planned on running after the marathon? I mean, it’s not like it’s anything foreign to me(until recently that is), but for some reason it took me completely off guard that I just spontaneously set off on a 9 mile run. Whatever the case, it felt good.
I probably won’t be doing any running though after the next couple weeks, realistically. Snow is coming soon, and running around here in the winter means choosing between the one slushy, busy, one-mile loop through the town, or postholing on a forest road. Miss me with that shit.
So, all-in-all I’m pretty happy with my day yesterday. It wasn’t exactly what I had planned on, but it felt good. Good enough to hopefully snap me out of whatever the hell has been going on with me this week. I’m getting kinda sick of moping around and being lazy, and god damn.. I guess I really am getting old, as like 5 days off of exercising made me feel like I was rising from the grave. Hopefully I stay undead. Much love folks!
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