Dear friends, I saw a bad movie. The film is called San Andreas and it is about that neither God nor all of his elements can do harm to Dwayne Johnson. I have suspected it for a long time, but San Andreas gives me clear evidence that it is an indestructible creature (because it is no longer human). Below I will write to you what else I learned from the movie. And so the post contains the necessary number of spoilers to be nasty. But probably everyone has already seen it for a long time. It seems to me, that no summary of the story is able to harm this production, which has little plot.
If your heroes are in the building, it must have been built from a "cardboard" - a building material that decides whether the building will break down spectacularly or not. Such buildings usually contain the main characters of the film and breaking slower or less spectacular than all others. In addition, ceilings in these buildings never hit the heroes, and no one is able to get tangled in the cables, hit them with a piece of glass, etc. The cardboard makes the building survive virtually everything until Dwayne Johnson appears. After his appearance, the power of the building is weakened. Note: The cardboard building occurs in most catastrophic films, but in San Andreas it has not been possible to hide its existence and mechanics in any way.
If there is an earthquake in your city, stand next to a stable building or next to Dwayne Johnson - the buildings are falling, the world is coming to an end, the cities are falling down. But Dwayne Johnson is anti-apocalyptic. Therefore, we suggest that in the event of any shocks, tsunamis, fires, floods and armed robberies stand next to him. He is not afraid of tectonic faults, falling helicopters, ending gasoline in the aircraft, or high waves. It will come out without even scratching it, without violating its great, enormous Rock. If you are in his area, nothing will happen to you, and importantly, this is not just about individuals - Dwayne Johnson is able to embrace around a dozen people with his power - all they have to do is get up and leave the most tragic events without being injured.
If a new guy speaks with English accent and is fabulously rich, we probably all know what character he has (bad, very bad - so horribly that we are surprised that there is no cat) - The protagonist Ioan Gruffudd is experiencing one earthquake, the second and I even hoped that he would survive the tsunami so that Rock could personally beat him a bit but unfortunately as he was really bad, he not only lost his shoe but he got smashed by the container ship (you read proper). However, the fact that it turns out to be immoral could be expected from the beginning - firstly, he was rich and, secondly, he was so busy building high towers that he did not have time to have children.
If you want to survive the apocalypse, you should have a San Francisco guide, a girl and a child - let us not hide it is not easy to survive in a foreign city - especially if we have a disaster - so a guide is needed (Lonely Planet works well even in during cataclysms), a resourceful girl (it would be best to know that you need to rob a fire truck) and necessarily (but it really is necessary) - a child - may be in the form of a younger brother. If you have it - and in addition, the girl is the daughter of Dwayna Johnson. British boy (introduced to the story only because the girl need someone to kiss) you do not have to worry about anything. You are immortal!
If you're an American scientist, nobody listens to you. It's a well-known thing. In order for someone to finally listen to them, they must break into the television network and broadcast the program. Because as you know when the tectonic plate moves and the skyscrapers are like matches, everyone is sitting in front of the TVs. Plus, my dear - there is a Japanese scientist in the film, but ... he dies before he can shout "Gozilla. Plus - I do not know from what the desks are made at universities in California, but I would like to have one. They seem to survive everything.
If you are a lifeguard and the world is burning, only the family counts - our hero is an incredibly trained rescuer who has a helicopter that can be used to save people, and then switches to a brave little hovercraft (so brave that it can handle everything even wave of Tsunami) but in his head is only his family, not to bring help to others. Because, after all, when the world ends, there is only one way out - to gather your family from various cities in California and between one city and the other instead of despairing, trembling with terror or wondering about the future it is necessary to discuss the trauma from years ago. So for the order of priority list of the rescuer for the time of the apocalypse: family, trauma, taking back the ex-wife. Write it to yourself if something, God forbid have reached us.
If the heroine is resourceful, brave and she saves the guys, do not forget to take off enough clothes - I must admit that the screenwriters have decided to show a breakthrough idea - a girl who copes better in a situation of danger from the guys. They were so proud of this idea that they did not forget to mention at every possible opportunity how amazing it is that the girl is so resourceful. At the same time, they also did not forget that this is a girl, so between the beginning and the end of the film, she loses two layers of clothes so that in the underwater scenes nothing would bother to look at how beautifully her bust looks in in the vest t-shirt.
If you want to call in the apocalypse to parents from the underground car park, you do not even have to move to find signal - if you are looking for a really unreliable element of the scenario, this one beats all the others. Even when nothing moves, you can not call someone from the underground car park. The second least credible movie scene? Dwayne Johnson is trying to play that he has some emotions. And we all know that it is impossible.
If the father and daughter find themselves in a huge, ruined, flooded city, in a dozen or so minutes - when I am meeting with my father in the city, it sometimes takes longer than the heroes of the film to find themselves in San Francisco after the apocalypse. Plus - important note - if someone drowns then do not jump into the water to save him - first spend valuable seconds looking into his wife's eyes and assuring her that everything will be all right. In the end, there is really nothing to hurry about.
If you really want someone not to die, he will not die - I lies a bit - I learned this by watching the Fast and the Furious but here we get confirmation that if you really want it, nobody will die. So if someone dies then you probably have not tried hard enough.
If at the end of the movie the American flag flutters, everything will be fine - do not ask who hung it, do not ask where it came from, do not ask if really hanging and unrolling should be what people do when cleaning up after an incredible catastrophe. Since we have a flag everything is fine. Town will be rebuilt. And the economy will benefit from it.
If you think that the dog is missing in the movie - it will appear in the last scenes - which teaches us that, really, if you do not have a child, you can always try to survive with the dog.
If you are a screenwriter of a catastrophic movie, you do not really need anything - firstly, no one will believe in your existence, secondly you did not write a script at all, you just picked up some cliches from other films because nobody cares what's going on anyway on the screen, only whether the buildings are falling spectacular, and the water brutally rushes into the streets of San Francisco.
If you are a director of catastrophic films and your name does not sound Emmerich, some things may not get away with you - do you know why? Because even Emmerich does not get away with it anymore. The times in which it was enough to knock down the building and flood it with water to make everyone happy, slowly go back into the past. Mainly because we have already seen collapsing buildings and tsunami on TV and what is more difficult for us to draw on this happening (although the timing of the crash of California because New York does not fall).
If someone in the catastrophic movie asks if it's all right, always answer "Yes" - Sure that it's all right, even if the world is collapsing, even if your child is in a city from which there were ruins, even if hundreds of thousands of people have died, even if you do not have a home, even if you do not know what the next day will bring, even when you are bleeding, even when you are afraid for life. Everything is fine.
Ok, now more seriously. San Andreas is an unsuccessful film, mainly because there is nothing absolutely original about it. It would be forgivable - after all, we did forgive such things - were it not for the fact that the level of reflection reminds us of B-class productions or those from the 80's (also B-class). What's more - despite sending all possible forces of nature to The Rock and letting the hero interpret the laws of physics in any way, the whole movie is surprisingly less spectacular. What worked great in the trailers in the movie is surprisingly boring and another falling skyscraper instead of frightening causes yawning. The scale of destruction is so ridiculously large that we observe everything without much emotion. What is a certain achievement considering that we are watching the end of California. At the same time the problem is that we have seen this in Gozilla. And although I have no doubt that The Rock would deal with Gozilla with one hand, it's hard to expect that anything will move us here. Thank you writers, after all these years you have succeeded. Nothing moves us. Give me this meteorite. I think it's time for this.
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