So, today I decided to be fashionably late and review a movie that dropped last month in time for spooky season. It's called Halloween Kills, the second movie out of a new sequel trilogy to John Carpenters Halloween, directed by David Gordon Green (You know, the guy who directed Pineapple Express and Your Highness). That's right, babybois. A sequel to a reboot, that came after two failed reboots, that ignores 5-6 other films entirely that took place in a separate timeline according to these new films, I guess. So, who wouldn't have a big old wet spot in their pants to sit down and watch this movie?!
I'll be very up front, I could have reviewed this for Halloween, but, chose not to because I didn't want to ruin any of your guy's ability to have slutty Halloween sex over that weekend. But, lets get into why I had to be a martyr for your genitals, shall we?
I'm honestly fairly disappointed with how much this movie sucked. I watched the 2018 movie shortly after it came out, and one more time since then. And, it's a pretty competent reboot that actually worked well and was enjoyable overall. It did a good job of bringing back what made Michael Myers a scary figure from the original movie, being a killing machine with no reasoning or motive. And, that continues in this movie with him as well which is the only really good thing that happens in this film. So, I'm thankful they didn't try to shoehorn in any new relatives or a cult or dumb shit like that, since they've done it in the past with these movies. However, the only actual horror elements to this movie are a small chunk of brutal, gory murders that happen via Michaels Myers that are very mean spirited. Which is good and all, but, they're not ever scary. They're more comical than anything else, which isn't really what this series has ever been about.
Every character in this movie is poorly written with no actual growth as a person throughout, or any real reason for their motivations. You get an hour and a half of people just spouting the same literal catch phrases again and again, and it's fucking awful. (WE HAVE TO STOP HIM TONIGHT. EVIL DIES, TONIGHT. 40 YEARS AGO, TONIGHTTTTT.) They've also brought back a bunch of small side characters from the original Halloween movie for some reason, I guess to pad out the characters? So, thanks to that we have Tommy Doyle (little boy being babysat), Lindsey Wallace (little girl being babysat), (Lonnie) kid who bullies little boy being babysat, and Marion (nurse who gets her car stolen all from the first movie). Oh boy, just who I've always wanted in a Halloween sequel. The nurse especially was a hoot to have here, as she's 40 years older than all of them and didn't even live in the town this happened in, but she's just here and everyone is best friends now. Hell yeah. This kind of shit just comes off desperate and weird. Just like how it's weird and desperate to have all of these characters treat what happened 40 years ago like it happened last weekend.
They all seem like they have absolutely nothing going on in their lives besides being obsessed with a man who killed 3 people 40 years ago, and it just doesn't make any sense or seem very realistic. There's a piece of dialogue in the 2018 movie that pokes fun at this concept, talking about how a handful of people being stabbed isn't really even that bad in comparison to todays standards (Mass shootings/bombings/stabbings/etc). The only character that obsession angle works well with is Jamie Lee Curtis's character, Laurie Strode, since she's the one who was directly traumatized by the events and is struggling with them. Having literally every breathing human being in the town being crazily obsessed with it is just fucking stupid. It's also very weird that every single one of these people would just stay put in this town and sit around jerking off over the memories of a few people dying for decades. You could literally replace every character in the town with the angry mobs shown on South Park and you wouldn't even notice a change.
I'm not exactly sure what the message or theme of this movie is supposed to be. The 2018 film was all about the effects of trauma, and what it does to you and your loved ones. And, then overcoming that trauma eventually. There was also comparisons drawn between it and the metoo movement by the cast and people online, which I can kind of see at least. But, during interviews for this movie the angry mob has been compared to black lives matter protests by the cast, which is some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. It comes across very stupid and just crass to say that. It also doesn't make much sense, when there's a part of the movie where the protagonist is agreeing that a cop should have shot an unarmed man in the past when talking about how he regrets not doing it. So, the message there is very muddled if that was what they wanted to go with. I fully imagine the third movie will have an anti trump/march on the capital comparison thrown in for no reason. I dunno, it's just ridiculous with how up its own ass this movie is, when it's a flick about a guy stabbing people in the throat with knives.
There's some stuff that could have been a meaningful message, regarding how rage and anger can blind people into doing horrible, unjustified things. There's a part in the movie that could be symbolic almost for cancel culture on twitter/reddit/online in general, with how toxic and fucking crazy people can be on those platform. But, even that can't be done well because the writing and execution in this movie is straight dogshit. There's a line so on the nose regarding it that I believe the people who made this movie must think 3/4th's of the world suffers from down syndrome. So, yeah. I'd say the movie fails big in whatever message it was trying to say in regards to mob justice.
I think another issue with this movie is just that it's too bloated with characters, there are so many that it would be neigh impossible to actually remember every single one of them. The bigger problem being as well that none of them are relatable, likeable characters besides the protagonists. And, that doesn't even really matter since the main character Laurie Strode sits inside of a hospital the entire movie and does absolutely nothing. The only decent character who does anything the entire movie is her daughter Karen, but, otherwise we have no one to care about or root for since everyone again lacks personality or depth beyond being angry mob from south park. You'll root more for Michael Myers killing people in gory ways than anything else in this movie, which is just fucking dumb. It feels like they've tried to turn this into a Friday the 13th sequel, which is not what the original Halloween movie was at all.
While the kills are goofy and mean spirited which is the only fun part of the movie, the kills lack any fun/creativity. Which is another big let down since it seemed like they were trying to go for a more goofy slasher movie rather than the tone of the OG Halloween. Since the characters are extremely stupid as well, I just don't really get what the point of why this movie was made. It feels like a pile of underwhelming filler with no payoff so you're just unsatisfied by everything once the end credits roll. Another small thing I noticed is the set design for this movie was really crappy as well, there's goofy stuff that draws your attention when things are supposed to be somber or heavy feeling and completely distracts you. Much like the characters, the environment of the film is overfilled and bloated and it's just not a good fit for a horror film. Horror movies are supposed to be very atmospheric and stripped down to be bare, not silly/goofy looking where it takes away from any and all feelings of tension.
Overall, I think this movie blows some fat ass. The story is nonexistent here, the message doesn't make any sense, the writing is bad, the setting is bad because it's not utilized properly and the sets are kind of shit, the characters are bad, the kills are not fun or creative besides one or two and the movie just feels very stupid. This franchise has a lot of terrible sequels that have been released, but, I think this might genuinely rank in the lower area out of them all. I would recommend that you all stay away from this movie with a 10 foot pole and just ignore it, I'm sure I've forgot some things I could have bitched about, but, it's hard to remember everything after watching this shitfire, and I refuse to watch it again.
So, yeah. Until next time, I guess, bois. Later!