Yesterday I wrote about my original experience watching The Star Wars Holiday Special as well as my recent viewing with my eleven year old son.
Spoiler alert...
It's the worst movie I have ever seen.
Yesterday I stated my opinion. Today I will tell you why it is so awful. If you are brave, crazy, or silly enough that you want to watch it for yourself, here is the movie in its entirety...
Warning. Once you have seen this, you cannot unseen it. It will haunt your dreams for all of eternity.
You can watch this for campy fun or as a drinking game. If you want to see the only semi-redeeming part, check out the 50:38 mark.
I won't blame you if you want to skip reading this and jump to the only redeeming part of this entire movie. If you would like to do that, Boba Fett is introduced at the 50:38 mark.
The movie opens with Han and Chewie in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. There is some brief dialogue during which Han promises to get Chewbacca home in time for the Wookie holiday Life Day. In between lines, space battle scenes from the original Star Wars movie are spliced in to make it appear like this battle is occurring at the moment.
The opening scene makes it appear as if there may be some action in this film. However, after the introduction of all of the stars and guest stars, the audience is brought into Chewbacca's tree house. Then the wookie growling begins. There is an old toothless wookie, a child wookie, and a mother wookie. How could I tell one cookie was female? She was wearing an apron of course. How could I tell she was the mother? She grunted to scold her child for stealing cookies. Three minutes earlier, there was the start of a space battle. Now there is the "comedic" battle between mother and son over cookies... all without any words at all.
Like all good parents, in order to get the kid out of their very long hair, the grandpa and mom plop him down in front of the chess table to watch a hologram of circus performers... which we also get to "enjoy" for the next three minutes.
*Ummmmmmm. Uhhhhhh. What is this?*After nine minutes of growling, there is finally some dialogue in English. For some reason, the wookies call Luke Skywalker in order to ask him if he knows where Chewbacca is. Luke reassures the family that they are so sill for worrying because Chewie has never missed a single Life Day. With his cameo over, Luke goes back to working on the smallest engine anyone has ever seen.
And the... Artie Carnie is introduced. Yep. Art Carney from the Honeymooners. He is a shop owner on the wookie planet of Kashyyyk. He interacts with an off duty Imperial Officer (who is in full uniform including a combat helmet). At one point he tries to sell him a grooming tool that can be plugged into any "laser outlet". What exactly lasers have to do with outlets is beyond me... but it sounded high tech.
We then cut to one of only two Darth Vader scenes in the entire movie. It lasts for about 5 seconds and consists of him being told about a blockade around the wookie planet. Vader orders his troops to search every household in the system. Then he's gone... but he does reappear for 3 more seconds during the cartoon.
Next, the female wookie begins to prepare the holiday meal. She inserts a data card with a cooking show on it. She then watches Harvey Korman (famous for his roles in several Mel Brooks movies as well as the Carol Burnett show) do an impression of what it would be like if Julia Child were an alien. I wish I were making this up. But sadly... it really happens.
*Why is there a cooking show included? I have no idea at all.*Art Carney arrives at the tree house bearing Life Day gifts. He gives the child an electronic toy and he gives the grandpa wookie... a virtual reality dancing and singing girl played by Diahann Carrol. He puts on a headset, pops in the video and she proceeds to attempt to seduce him. At one point she actually says, "We can have a good time, can't we?" and "I am your pleasure, enjoy me." I have no idea what my son was thinking, but it was one of the creepiest things I have ever seen.
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/4/43/Eroticism.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120909192516 "Oh now they are singing... please fast forward this." (A direct quote from my son)
After she said her really creepy lines, Ms Carrol began to sing. At this point, my son turned to me and said. "Oh no. Now they are singing. Please fast forward." I gladly obliged.
This is not the only musical number my son asked me to fast forward. A few minutes later, some Imperial troops enter the tree house to search it. We all know what Imperial troops like to do in houses... watch tv! While the troops were watching tv in the treehouse, Jefferson Starship performed a song. Why were they watching tv? I have no idea at all.
After this unexplained musical number, the only redeemable portion of the movie occurs. The child is scared that the troopers are in his house (obviously). The family decides to distract him with a tv show. They put on a cartoon... that happens to be starring his father and his father's rebel friends. Why would they be in a cartoon? Why would the child have access to it? I have no idea at all.
This cartoon includes the introduction of Boba Fett to the Star Wars universe. Because of this, some people have transferred this segment to DVD and has become a cult favorite among true Start Wars dorks (I mean fans) like me. I won't ruin this for you. You can find the introduction of Boba Fett at the 50:38 minute mark of the video.
*Why is Han upside down? You will have to watch
the cartoon for the incredibly plausible explanation.* Shortly after this segment, an announcement is broadcast over the TV that says all citizens are required to watch a program about life on Tatooine. This segment consists of Bea Arthur (from the Golden Girls) as the owner of a bar on Tatooine. Harvey Korman plays and alien patron of the bar. There is some misinterpreted flirting. Then there is yet another musical number. This one is sung by... Bea freaking Arthur. Why? I have no idea at all. It does include Walrus Man dancing... so it has that going for it.
Spoiler Alert! I'm about to give away whether or not Chewbacca makes it home alive...
After some more nonsense, Chewie eventually makes it home. He has a romantic reunion with his wife which involves them smelling each other. Why? I have no idea at all.
After smelling each other, the Wookies grab some glowing balls (get your mind out of the gutter) put on red robes and go to a huge wookie ceremony. For some reason, C-3P0, R2-D2, Han, Luke, and Leia join the wookies at the celebration. And then...
Princess Leia sings!
Why did any of that happen? I have no idea at all.
Why did I write two posts about this? I have no idea at all.
I do have a suggestion though. If you are going to watch The Star Wars Holiday Special, make it a drinking game. Every time someone in the room asks "Why did that just happen?" and no-one can provide a plausible reason... you drink. But please, don't plan on driving. I guarantee you that everyone is going to be wasted.
Geeky Dad's Movie Guide
Number of times I fell asleep: 0 (It was simply too horrible. I could not look away.) Number of eye rolls: 100 (Perhaps I could have simply said 1 continuos one) Number of face palms: 1 (I probably could have watched the entire movie through my fingers) Number of times my kids asked to go to the bathroom or get food out of sheer boredom: 0 (He too could not look away... although he did have me fast forward through 3 of the musical numbers) Number of times I checked steemit: 0 (See above) Number of times I said "That's ridiculous": Infinite Did my kids like it: Thank god no. Would I see it without my kids: If it were a drinking game Full price/Matinee/Rental/Free/Not worth the time: If someone gave me 2 really nice bottles of wine to watch it... I might
