Do You Love Me: how do you show someone you care?

Earlier today, something amazing happened.

I was walking down the street, towards rehearsals. Besides the building in which we rehearse, there is a wooden bench. As I neared the building, I saw that two young people were sitting on it, a boy and a girl. They seemed to be 20-ish, so about my age. Suddenly, the boy looked up and made eye contact. He got up to meet me. I took off my headphones.

Hi. Sorry to take your time, but if someone tells you that they want to break up with you like 3 or 4 times and you tell them that you want to keep seeing each other and work it out. Do you – me in this case – care about that person, about her?

I glanced at the girl, who looked mortally embarrassed. I don’t know what to say. I knew that it was none of my business and not my place to comment, but I couldn't say that (I can't know, obviously, but to me, he looked like he cared...) In the end, I figured what I said wouldn't really master in the long run, anyway.

He cares, I think.

See, random person on the street, he said, turning to the girl.

The girl looked at him, unconvinced, it's my opinion.

He thanked me and I walked away, wishing them good luck. The encounter itself was like out of a movie, some romantic comedy to swoon over. It left me wondering about two things...

1 . How do you know they care? We each have our way of seeing things, opinions formed on past experiences and principles carried from generation to generation of right and wrong. And then, we meet someone with a different set of views and principles. How do we communicate? What is our collective normal? Because what I see as a clear sign of affection, may seem to you an insult. What if to you, he shows you he cares by bringing you flowers every week, but to him, a true sign of affection is that he calls every night (which you may consider trivial )? Who is right? No one, it's a subjective matter. In that case, whose subjectivity comes first? By whose standard is it settled?

Is it possible to reach a common ground?

This ground is something made out of both our languages, our principles , and it’s called compromise. It is possible to reach some sort of common ground, if you're willing to alter your point of view and accept that there are more than one way to show affection. If you can come to understand that for him, calling every night is him showing he cares, perhaps you can be happy. After all, what do you want more – the flower or to know that you mean something? And besides, isn’t being willing to change your point of view the biggest sign you care ?

2. That's my opinion.

But it doesn't always happen that way and at what point does changing become too much? Or how much are you willing to change the way you see things? Some people call it lowering your standards. I don't...I call it altering your standards, because just as your principles have been shaped by your experiences so far, it's only normal that they will continue to change throughout your life.

What would we be, if we couldn't change?

But sometimes, it's too much and you find that you can't give anymore of yourself and you can't alter another thing. You have reached the limit. And at that point, it takes a great strength, in my opinion, to say it's enough. It’s the power of taking responsibility for what you think is best. And it's hard to do, especially if you've changed in the past, maybe for that very same person, or if you thought there would never be an end. But there is. It comes with the final decision: you vs me. Many relationships end when it comes down to are you right, or am I? They end because people usually choose themselves.

I don't know how their story ended. I hope it had a happy ending. I sat on a bench nearby and watched them for about forty-five minutes. They talked. When I came out of rehearsals, they were gone. I hope they managed to work it out. But I can't know if that was best, because I have no way of knowing who was in the right.

I don't even know if there was a right.

Images: Pixabay