Rating: 3/5 AKA: Wood Knockin' Watch Here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/m8Y7xFMgj0Yr/
"Well it ain't done, and yeah, it's gotta be done!"
Ya know why I like Alice Jarrett? She doesn't just cut up her husbands fine suits, she does so in a meticulous orderly fashion.
Nowadays you get the chicks who just angrily do what they want, in a disorderly, stupid manner.
Those "ladies" look like spoiled children, aka typical women. But Alice, she's terrifying.
Yessir, if you marry a woman like Alice remember 2 things:
1 She's FUCKING Scary & 2 Keep ya dick locked up homie.
Our tale begins with Alice looking off in to the distance in the height of 80's fashion, a dress suit skirt...you know what im saying if your nearing 40 bro.
She's holding a broom, she lays on her bed....then she cuts up her husbands suit in evenly shaped squares.
You kinda don't get why she does this for a minute, the movie would have you believe shes crazy, but in reality it's because her husband is a bonafide bitch.
Yes even the 80's those ugly dicks like that could still lay pipe. It could be a case of nature though, Martin Jarrett "The Husband" is a college professor so he's making bank, which allows him the ability to "find a mate".
How he got Alice is something I'd like to see Darkhorse comics write a prequel about, come to think of it The Carpenter needs like a comic miniseries but anyways.
After arriving home and seeing his wife calmly fuck up his shit, Martin does the only logical thing, put her up in a psyche ward.
We get a bumblefuck montage of some lady reciting a song/poem, hold up fuck it, ill look up the lyrics real quick and see if it's something that was written outside this movie:
I don't want to lose you, this good thing That I got 'cause if I do I will surely Surely lose a lot 'Cause your love is better Than any love I know It's like thunder, lightning The way you love me is frightening You better knock, knock on wood, baby
HOLY fuck I just found out it's the Amii Stewart Classic "Knock On Wood" (1979)
Ok this is pretty good...Carpenter...Knock on wood..Carpenters work on wood...thats pretty fucking clever - Nice to see subtle shit like that, you don't get it that much these days.
So Alice spends an undefined amount of time at the nut house, and is released back to Martin who surprises her with a new home.
That's right they're making a fresh start, you start to get the hint that Martin did something stupid. You guessed it he fucks around folks, and this is his attempt to "patch" things up.
The house needs repairs and the Jarretts engage the services of some really lazy freaks.
We're introduced to a foreman in charge of renovating the new house... Barry Farnsworth is his name. Taking dick and backing down from his employees is his game.
Lemme tell you about this foreman...there is nothing manly about him...He let's his grunts decide when they go on break, and even has a hard time firing them. Like a scared bitch he offers to give the guys he's letting go their full days pay.
Fuck that I wouldn't just fire these scum, I would spend my off time figuring out the best ways to wipe them out. No room on this planet for non-hackers.
Anyway one night Alice is awakened by some...sawing...some hammering...some noises down in the basement -
She discovers a man, a real fucking man, he happens to be the first and only man you see in this entire movie...I'm talking of course about Wing's "Job Ain't Done Till It's Done" Hauser.
Wing's does some major flexing when explaining why he's working so late. He shoots a rat with a nail-gun and this is enough to make Alice infatuated with him immediately.
Think about the instant attraction, Alice calmly maim's expensive suits, and Wing's equally calm, decimates a rat with a nail-gun. There is no way on earth this relationship can't work out at this point, but we got a whole fucking movie left to explain how it doesn't.
The following morning Alice being the astute homemaker she is wants to pick out some wallpaper, when ol' Martin nixes the idea, Alice doubles down asking for shopping money, to which Martin shuts that shit right down.
Not only does he say no, he kisses her on the head and says have a nice day honey. So let's hold up for a fucking minute. We're all alpha males here at the Review Crew - but lemme tell you this pals, there is no way in hell any of us wouldn't give our women money if married to a someone like Alice.
First, there are no children in this relationship, so obviously Alice is going fucking insane, combined with Martin cheating on her. Secondly, to compensate for the loneliness Alice feels, she wants to express herself through sprucing up her home.
Martin is a fucking dick cause he's shutting down any and all creative outlets for Alice. It would be different if a bitch was taking the power bill money and going straight to Walmart then blowing Farnsworth in the backseat of the caddy, but Alice don't play that.
After Martin bitch boys his way out of the home, the workers talk about how someone fixed up the basement all nice and proper like, and bitch that some students must be doing it, thus cutting them out of much needed overtime.
Again if these cunts worked for me...there would be "over" time...if you get what i'm sayin'.
Martin brushes off Alice and says he'll be home late or something I don't remember. I don't get Martin's character.
He goes from semi understanding husband to...Jeffrey Dahmer tier cold in delivering his lines.
Needless to say Martin is banging one of his students, I mean she's not ugly but Alice is far more attractive. I guess being a college professor gets you mad pussy, it's all about that power over grades that gets you laid.
Same night the worker with Beavis Hair decides to pay Alice a visit, knowing she will be all alone.
He gets all rapey but stops as he hears work going on in the house - Being pissed off more than horny, Beavis Hair decides to investigate and teach those "scabs" a lesson. He discovers Wings who in turn takes a circular saw and cuts the dudes arms off.
Alice is totally fine with this and even takes up Wing's on his suggestion that she should get some rest while he cleans up.
Moving ahead rinse and repeat with the killings and Alice becoming more and more happy with Wings - Martin continues his shenanigans with his student, and eventually the Sheriff comes to visit Alice. I'm talking about Sheriff J.J. Johnston AKA Triple J not Double J Jeff Jarrett though oh my god that would be amazing.
"J-E - DOUBLE F - J- A - DOUBLE R - E - DOUBLE T - HAW HAW!
Sheriff explains the guy who used to own the home, built it as his dream house. However couldn't pay bills and one thing led to another...murderous mayhem...Which explains why Wings is haunting the place (he was caught and sent to the chair pal).
This don't phase Alice though, shes balls deep in Wings by this point.
Second half of the film sees Alice get a job with a drum major who doubles as a paint salesman, and her sister Rachel comes to party and belittle Martin right to his face, and of course the climax.
Martin has impregnated his student and she comes to the house to tell Alice. Funny enough Alice straight up tells her she doesn't give a fuck, and then with help from Wings dispatches the prego college student with the same nail-gun from earlier in the film.
Martin rolls in, sees the bullshit, and starts slapping Alice about, only to be stopped by Wings. This is where the movie should have ended with Alice and Wings living happily ever after.
But nah, Rachel has to come fuck it all up, cause ya know being in love with an overprotective handy man ghost is really bad for Alice's career as a cashier right?
Wings loses his temper as Rachel attempts to interject and steal Alice away, and pushes Rachel in to a wall. THIS ACT is what makes Alice stop being head over heels for Wings.
It's kind of fucking stupid that they end up shitting on men for the whole movie, going so far as to highlight that Wings put the time in and now he wants some puddin'. None of that comes off as natural based on what we've seen of Wings' character, as much as anything can be considered natural in a horror movie about a house haunted by a carpenter.
I mean they plant the seeds talking about the previous owners anger etc....but this relationship was built on a solid foundation of love, much like the house it was filmed in.
As for a comic book miniseries, it would be funny as fuck to see Wings murder bankers, and repo-men trying to take his house, because believe me this is one of the funniest films you will ever see. A comic book would allow more one liners and lulzy killers, but hey it wont happen, but we can dream pals....we can dream. It would also be worth exploring Alice's character, what else was wrong with her? Was it all because of Martin and his bullshit?
FINAL WORD
MR.HELLBOX: I hate movies now because they are so laced with forced agendas, it's literally like watching ads from THEY LIVE and I cant get the sunglasses off. That said, this movie may tack on the man hate, but in many ways its justified; except for the fucking ending where it just didn't make sense. Why can't Alice have a happy life with a ghost man and her insurance money? Oh cause her even more "empowered" sister wants her as miserable as she is...GOT IT! Still Wings Hauser is amazing and it outweighs all of the negativity. - 3/5
Schlong Long: If Martin were to frame his cut up suits as works of art, then Alice would be famous and he would have in turn been wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. It was never meant to be cause Martin was one step away from looking like Gargamel and to be honest his side bitch taste was whack. I mean I know that doesn't make sense, but neither does turning a woman protecting man, in to a woman hitting psycho. Wings Loves You All - 3/5
Prince Pectorals: I used to do chin ups on scaffolding like the ones here in this movie and one day I saw Jeff Jarrett with his sparkling lit up Double J hat, hanging out with the Roadie. We talked about fitness, fine music and wine and of course how awesome this movie was. For those who say Jarrett can't work....fuck you. - 4/5
