#life

Apples

Yooohooo! I have arrived and I have apples!

A voice resembling an Ostrich being soundly ridden by a bear carried through the house.

I looked up from where I sat at the table in the garden and frowned. What the fuck was that? And apples? Who the fuck likes apples?

Not for the first time I thought how lucky visitors were that this wasn't Wisconsin and I wasn't sitting on my stoop licking the barrel of my AR-35 and dreaming of man-sized pigeons.

Oh that will be Olette! She's bringing apples from her orchard!

The Good Lady squawked with delight.

I stared at her, my mouth twisting upward in disgust.

Her fucking orchard? How middle class could you fucking get? We had two apple trees in my garden and you didn't see me going around threatening people with their fruits and boasting that I had an orchard.

What do you mean, her orchard? I thought she was a goth?

Everyone knew that goths couldn't abide fruit. Or sunlight.

Speaking of which is was sort of sunny today? It couldn't be Olette then, she was practically the Queen of the Damned when it came to sunlight.

There you are!

Beamed the Good Lady.

Fuck, it was Olette. She wafted in through our kitchen and out into the garden with a witchy swish. Her raven black hair had bits of orange and purple running through it and on top of her normal ridiculous funeral get up she wore a hat with a brim so wide I was tempted to buy some tacos from her.

And what in the name of black shit was that on her arm? A basket? Oh fuck, it was and it was chock full of apples too.

Didn't she get the memo? No one wants apples randomly turning up at their door.

Good afternoon Olette.

I said, forcing a smile.

And it was forced, I hadn't forgotten that time she had touched my shoulder.

Olette looked at me disapprovingly before hugging the Good Lady and passing her basket of apples over.

I thought we could make my famous apple cider cake!

She skrawked like a raven on a roof which had just spied an old person drop some ham.

Oh that would be fabby, I love that cake!

The Good Lady practically vibrated with apple joy.

And what about you, will you try my amazing apple cider cake?

Olette leered at me as if I were something small and rodent-like she could eat.

I am quite sure you know that I hate apples.

I replied loftily, turning back to my phone where I had been watching an endless scroll of YouTube shorts.

Yes, we all know you don't like apples but you haven't tasted mine...

As she spoke, the sun, which had been flirting with us all day went behind a massive black cloud. The decking became cold and dim and for the briefest of moments, I saw Olette exposed in her true hag-like form.

In my mind's eye, I saw myself tied to a black iron altar with a screeching Olette hovering above me on ragged leathery wings as she reached down to stuff apples into every part of me. Even the parts that are generally one-way.

Are you sure you won't try a bit, I don't want to make you...

Olette chuckled darkly and the Good Lady joined in.

I looked at them both in horror.

Nobody likes apples. This was evil pure and simple.

I closed my eyes and once more I saw Olette cackle madly as she jammed apples up my dark growler.

Well, maybe I will try a bit.

Comments · 33

@hive-lu(65)· 703d
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@albuslucimus(69)· 705d
LOL! A witchy old leathery winged she-bat shoving apples up asses??? Sounds like the resurrection of old Alba is afoot…Aulus will no doubt be shitting a brick somewhere in the underworld…all that hard work for nothing!
@mimismartypants(69)· 706d
Fear makes you do some crazy things. Even trying apples lol. How do guys attract all these weirdos in your life! ?

Have some !PIZZA instead!
@blanchy(75)· 706d
The neighbours have an apple tree and the apples fall into my garden. The dog eats them and then gets the shits. So I don't like these apple things either. One of our morning tasks is to clear the garden of apples so the kids don't get pink eye or river blindness whilst playing out the back.
@gikitiki(62)· 707d
Apple Cake + Apple Butter = Awesome.

A rough recipe is (go by taste, this is only a guide) :
- 5 lbs apples Cored and chopped into small pieces
- 1/2 cup brown sugar
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar (less if apples are more sweet than tart)
- 1 Tablespoon ground cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon of Vanilla
- ⅛ teaspoon ground cloves
- Pinch of salt if it needs it (taste it)
Throw it all in a pot at low temp or a slow cooker until the apples are quite soft, then blend or max the lot - then eat!

I suppose they call it butter since that's the texture you are going for. I think of it more like the cinnamon in a cinnamon roll, only apple infused.
@old-guy-photos(77)· 707d
Kind of funny...I actually made apple bread yesterday. Hey its that time of year 😀
@lizelle(79)· 708d
I like apples
@ryivhnn(73)· 709d
I like apples. I don't eat them very much as other people in the house love them much more than I do.

Apple cider cake? That's a new one. I remember liking apple cake more than apple pie.

How was it, did you survive?
@pizzabot(60)· 709d
PIZZA!

$PIZZA slices delivered: wrestlingdesires tipped meesterboom @mimismartypants_(1/5) tipped @meesterboom
@becca-mac(74)· 710d
I make a pretty good apple pie that I think would change your mind about apples; instead of hating them you might only be mildly annoyed with them.

Becca 🌷
@wrestlingdesires(72)· 710d
Hopefully you didn't have to eat too much of it 😂 Nothing like people insisting you're going to love a food you can't stand

This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
@outwars(72)· 710d
This was a fun read. You went all disney on it at the start, and went a bit wild near the end haha. But not liking apples? You might be the only one I know who doesn't like apples. Did you choke on a piece when you were young?
@hivebuzz(74)· 710d
Congratulations @meesterboom! Your post has been a top performer on the Hive blockchain and you have been rewarded with this rare badge

Post with the most comments of the day.

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@jacobtothe(77)· 710d
Apples are good, but better in a pie, and best when turned to juice before fermentation.

Hard cider is a good witch's brew, I hope.
@steevc(81)· 710d
What do goths eat? I'd imagine it would have to be something raw and just dead, but maybe they are all vegans these days.

I don't mind an apple, possibly from my own orchard (2 trees). They are a pretty bland fruit though. I just never really got a taste for cider, but then I had a bad experience with scrumpy in my student days. Not sure how that works in a cake.

The only reason to have cooked apples is so you can have some custard.
@peaceandmoney(68)· 710d
Blimey! She put apples where? This is quite a unique genre of story, it's like a comedy horror, and dare I say it is there even a hint of erotica? I mean apples and dark growlers! And the way Olette vibrates with all that apple joy and teases us that we haven't experienced her particular apple taste, almost sounds seductive.

And even the image - this is all curious, bizarre and wonderful. I think the image is the perfect accompaniment to the writing.

This is a fantastic short story, or is this an excerpt from something longer? You have a unique style of story telling and a unique way of writing. Your mind is probably a bit dark which is great!

I must say the sound of apple cider cake also grabbed my attention, sounds delicious, does it exist?
@nanixxx(76)· 710d
Olette and I have a phrase in common: if you taste my... I always say it with the things I harvest, don't get me wrong. I like apples. And if she's a Goth 😂, maybe she's in another character now and that's respectable too.

Always enjoying your covers!
@beerlover(65)· 710d
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@joanstewart(75)· 710d
Malusdomesticaphobia me thinks..., apple allergy perhaps, gritty texture running through teeth, bits squeezed out tongue cutting or enamel stripper which one affects most?

Olette and Good Lady know...

!BEER
@davedickeyyall(79)· 710d
..she wore a hat with a brim so wide I was tempted to buy some tacos from her.

That sounds kind of racist. 😆

Hopefully they were red apples.. Nobody wants Granny Smith in their anus.
@bleujay(74)· 710d
Greetings Snow White,

At least we know Snow White never saw it coming....you on the other hand are on to her...however, things could be darker than you think....maybe she is not quite done with you as you suggest.

Light is required and loads of it....Wishing you a sunny day! ^__^

Kind Regards to you and your good lady.

Bleujay
@ericvancewalton(81)· 710d
Are you sure the offer of the apple wasn't metaphorical? Lol. There are so many incredible one-liners in this. You know, you could turn these stories into a comedy stage act. Or a podcast, "Uncle Boom's Storyland" or something like that.
@galenkp(84)· 710d
Fancy Olette's taco huh? 😬
@jacey.boldart(73)· 710d
Well... there you are !

You made a fun story out of the apple delivery. I was wondering how you would resist tasting some cake... and then you fessed up, maybe just a bit.
@p1k4ppa10(73)· 710d
I have a confession to make... If apples are in an apple pie I eat them.

And even if they are in this damned bundle...

It's made with apples and custard, I had it in the cafeteria at the time, it's a frozen product but of high quality...and still today I certainly do for the bars of the city.

Damn apples!
@planetauto(74)· 710d
You show dem apples who's boss, @meesterboom!
@leaky20(79)· 710d

Who the fuck likes apples?

Who doesn't like apples? We plan to go to an orchard today and buy some along with a pie 😂😅

I would love someone to bring a basket kf apples to my door. Though I might reconsder if they were brought by a witch
@tamaralovelace(70)· 710d
Be on the lookout. Sounds a bit like Snow White and the witch with her basket of apples...oh did you say cake??😀😀
@intoy.bugoy(73)· 710d
Olette knows you don't like apples, but she also knows you can't resist them. How was it? do you like it?
@momins(68)· 710d
Everyone likes to eat apples but some except one. ....awesome story
@omokunmi(56)· 710d
Olette know you hate Apples but I’m sure he wants you to try it for some reasons You may even love the experience And why don’t you like Apples? Sounds weird, lol
@slobberchops(82)· 711d
The summer was so shit that our apples suck this year, are full of skin bubbles and are small. They should be big fuckers by latish September.

that goths couldn't abide fruit. Or sunlight.

Don't they burn in the sun like Vamps?
@repayme4568(70)· 711d
Olette knows the way she used to make you eat the apples, even when it wasn't your intention to do so, i hope you enjoy it?

Comments · 33

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