Reflections

Identity Crisis

_{Few years ago when had to have IVIG infusions.}

Who am I now? That's a question I've been asking myself for a while. Not out loud. But in the quiet moments. The 4 AM hours when the house is still and there's nothing to distract me from my own head.

For over 20 years I was a Marine. That was my identity. My purpose. My reason for getting up in the morning. Then I was out. And I transitioned into the civilian workforce. Fast-paced environments. High-stakes decisions. IT and telecommunications. Governance. Consulting. Always something on fire. Always something that needed fixed now. It gave me a rush. It was invigorating. Exhilarating. I thrived in chaos. The more pressure, the better I performed. Rapid decisions. Quick pivots. Solving problems in real time with incomplete information. That was my world. And I was good at it.

Then my health went sideways. TIAs. Memory issues. Days where my body just doesn't cooperate. The 70% of the day where I'm running on fumes and hoping I don't fall over. I couldn't keep up anymore. The fast pace that used to fuel me became something I couldn't sustain. The decision-making environments that gave me life became environments I could no longer survive in. So I stepped out of the rat race. Basically forced to for the most part. And when it stopped, I felt numb. Lost.

I watch others still in it. Still grinding. Still chasing. Still thriving in that chaos I used to call home. And I feel useless. Jealous sometimes, if I'm being honest. On good days, I miss it. I miss the rush. The feeling of being in the thick of it. The sense that what I was doing mattered and needed to happen right now. On bad days, I'm glad I'm out. Glad I'm not trying to keep up with a pace my body can't handle anymore. Glad I'm not pushing myself into the ground just to prove I still can.

Nothing has replaced it. That's the hard truth. I haven't found anything that gives me that same feeling. That same sense of purpose and adrenaline. I'm working on my doctorate. That keeps my mind engaged. But it's not the same. I'd like to get more involved with emergency communications through my ham radio hobby eventually. That feels like something that could matter. Something that uses my skills. Something with purpose. But I'm not there yet.

I'm still figuring out who I am now. Not a Marine anymore. Not in the rat race anymore. Not the guy who thrives in chaos because my body won't let me. Some days I'm okay with that. Some days I'm not. I'm learning that identity isn't fixed. It shifts. It evolves. Sometimes it breaks and you have to rebuild it from scratch. That's where I am. Rebuilding. One piece at a time. Just like the truck.

Thanks for reading, Joe

_{Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using Linux photo editor and drawing and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.}

Comments · 11

@nancybriti1(75)· 32d
I'll take that part of your reflection to heart: identity isn't fixed, it's fluid. Neruda's poem said, "We who were before are no longer the same." Everything changes, everything transforms. A hug, my friend.
@beelzael(75)· 38d
I was lucky to transition from the hardcore phase into a calmer one, but it took a while and I'm still paying for it. And whenever there is an emergency, I'm there anyway. Strikes, outages, everything that needs organization and someone experienced in all three cultures that reside here, being able to connect the people. Like you said, it's a rush, it feels good to be useful.

I took a note on my notebook the other day. About the crave to have purpose, and how hard it is when it gets lost somehow. My daughter is a big part of my purpose, so what now? Besides running to the courthouse. There are other available, but what if she comes back? So I'm in a limbo.

From what I read in your posts you keep yourself occupied with pretty cool projects. It's cool to know how to work on a truck. Or set up antenna and radio stations. And thanks for writing about all that!
@heartofdarkness(63)· 39d
You are more than just a title or a job! Your skills, determination, and desire to be useful are part of your eternal identity. Rebuilding yourself takes time, and you've done it bravely. May you soon find the path that best suits you and is most peaceful. Keep up the good work!
@agmoore(76)· 39d

I'd like to get more involved with emergency communications through my ham radio hobby eventually.

I am so much older than you, and many people on this platform. Of course I've had to adjust my sense of self over time. The one thing I learned about myself was that I received greater satisfaction from uncompensated work. That is, if I got paid for it, it didn't feel as rewarding.

Everything you have ever written here speaks of the pleasure you derive from service. That makes you feel good, useful, accomplished. Your ham radio skills are fantastically valuable. I wish I had them. I think in times ahead ham radio operators may be the only link some people have if times get really rough.

What happens when there is no power? I lived through Hurricane Sandy and slept with my ear to the portable radio because there was no communication with civil authority for 13 days. I received updates on power restoration and emergency services from a local sports announcer on the radio.

You say you are not there yet, but what a gift that would be to other people. I still harbor an ambition to get a ham radio and learn how to operate it...just in case.

I don't know if this matters to you, but your posts here make a difference.
@noemilunastorta(79)· 40d
I think it's not easy rebuild out identity especially for a man who worked so hardly in the marine and in the forces I bet you are used to a certain kind of very active and strong lifestyle unfortunately sometimes our body break down and make us change plans , we must set new simple goals or just trying to survive and find what work for us.
@bozz(83)· 40d
I can't imagine how hard that must be. I have a feeling I will be there when I finally retire. It's so easy to base the majority of our identity around what we do. I hope you figure it out!
@avdesing(80)· 40d
You’ve spent a large part of your life doing the same thing, the same activity, and you thought that was your personality, but I believe you’d never actually sought it out; personality, or one’s true self, isn’t the activity one engages in, but rather the inner self, and nothing else. It doesn’t matter at what age one begins to search for oneself; what matters is that one does so.

I think we all go through those identity crises, or feel lost; I’ve felt lost many times myself. But your inner self has always been, and always will be, in your heart. Listen to your heart, it is wise and always will be; there you’ll find what you’re looking for. A big hug!🤗

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@macchiata(80)· 40d
Hey Joe, reading this gives me a feeling that one day, I might feel this way too. I am climbing the ladder at the industry that gave you that vigor. I have to admit, I love it. I feel the rush, the adrenaline and satisfaction when I can solve a problem with pretty much incomplete information. But if I may ask, what type of doctorate you're currently pursuing? Over here, when they have doctorate, they either become a lecturer or a govt/ private consultancy contract. If you’re able to land a contract, that’s probably the kind of thing that gives you a similar feeling.

As someone who's trying to consolidate her identity, this gives me hope that it doesn't matter how old we are, we can feel lost and question our own identity, the very thing that gives our days meaning and fuels us to keep moving.
@yechee(71)· 40d
Joe, I think there's two things I've learned bout life.
1. No matter how our strong our mind or bodies feel, one day, they will be shaken and things will not remain the same with them. We also never get to predict the time. But when it does happen, we can try to listen and feed them what they need. Or shut down, as the case may be.
2. Life is a constant game of discovering one's self and true identity. The shift will happen, the feeling of dissatisfaction will set in, and we will wonder a lot. But it's important that in times like this, we don't give up. Instead, we keep exploring different other ventures with hopes that one day, we will find something that appeal strongly to us, Again.
I know you've mentioned a few of these and I'm glad you've got that awareness. Be sure that some of us are rooting for you to find your spark in someplace you least expect. Have a lovely day.❤️
@riverflows(82)· 40d
Yeah sometimes the body tells you to stop even if the mind isn't ready. It's a fact I cannot stand. It's advice I understand and give but don't embrace myself. But truth be told, a gentler pace is much better for my nervous system and I suspect yours. You'll find something. Have you thought of joining a men's club? I don't know what they have over there - we have Men's Sheds which are community spaces with tools that men build things in and talk to each other. Maybe that's not what you need, I don't know. I get it though. I was thinking of joining the local gardening community but my body isn't letting me do that either. As you know, spending too much time in your head isn't great.
@kerrislravenhill(74)· 40d
It is hard to accept it when our bodies don't work the way it used to. Seems like 5 years ago i was fine, working my Nursing duty shifts and biking all the way home and picking up some groceries on the way home. Then....crash.