Reflections

The Black Hole

_{Photo by NASA Hubble Space Telescope on Unsplash}

Been away for a few days. Seemed to have found myself down a black hole with the demons again. Didn't feel like doing much of anything. No socialization. No phone calls. No going outside. Just sat in it and festered.

Not sure where it came from. I was doing just fine. Working on cleaning out the garage and shed. Was on the final stretch and all. But the day after I did a big push on them, I just crashed into a darkness. That's how it works sometimes. No warning. No obvious trigger. Just suddenly you're in the hole looking up at the light wondering how you got there.

Finally working on pulling out of it. Went to the counselor. We talked about my rear view mirror being too big. Spending too much time looking in it. Living in the past instead of the present. We also talked about how the mind does this for a reason though. And that I should start journaling down my thoughts when I do this. Explore and flush things out. May give it a try. Not sure. Have a journaling notebook next to my chair. So could try it. Not much of a writer. More of a typer. She encouraged writing it though. So why not?

Was able to get out of the house today with the wife and go visit my son. Really brought in the bright light to my inner being. I needed it. Have a doc appointment tomorrow with dermatology. Be nice to get out of the house again. Son should come over after and help me some more on the shed and garage.

Sorry to rain on anyone's parade with this dark crap. But we all go through it I guess. Some more than others. Some deeper than others. The point is to keep pulling yourself back out. Keep showing up. Keep moving toward the light even when everything in you wants to stay in the dark.

That's where I am. Pulling out of the black hole. Fighting the demons. One step at a time.

Thanks for reading, Joe

_{Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using Linux photo editor and drawing and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.}

Comments · 11

@kerrislravenhill(74)· 6h
I've been to my own black hole to many times in the last few years. It sneaks up on me and eases in like, "I'll put it off until tomorrow." then it becomes a habit. The scary thing is that I am getting way too comfortable redecorating that dark space. When I remain too quiet for too long either my brother or sister drops in to check, sometimes one of my church friends drop by. The veggie garden is keeping me outside, my tomatoes and beans are ready to pick. I'd hate to let them go to waste. 🍅

Sending hugs 🤗 @coinjoe
@nancybriti1(75)· 9h
I know what it's like to be in a black hole. Two years ago, my youngest nephew, 18, died of cancer. I felt like I was dying, and I even wished for it. I spent days in my room crying, with no appetite and unable to sleep. I didn't want to do anything. I think I climbed out of that hole, just like you, thanks to my family and a lot of writing. One day I wrote and cried so much that my mouth was covered in sores. I still cry when I talk about my nephew, but now I'm in a different part of that abyss. How wonderful that you have a wife and a son by your side, and also the opportunity to write so that we can read you. Write, a little or a lot, but get out what's in your heart and what's been lost in your grief. We're here to read you. A hug, my friend.
@agmoore(76)· 9h

Really brought in the bright light

Well, I've said it before on this platform...I can have a mood. Fortunately, I'm usually aware of it and so don't let it affect my family. Sometimes I'm not and they tell me. It doesn't last long, but as you say, it colors everything.

It's great that you know it's a mood. Sometimes people don't have that awareness. They think the people around them are at fault. They think fortune has turned against them. But being aware, knowing it's a mood that is making everything dark...that's the first step to digging out of it.

Your sentence about bringing in light...meant metaphorically perhaps but actually quite effective. Sunlight if possible actually helps the brain to perk up. And do stuff, any stuff. The sense of control that comes from doing stuff (cleaning your closet, your desk, whatever) also can help.

These things work for me...and patience.

I hope it lifts soon. Mine don't usually last for more than a day or two. And they don't come too often
@oneplanet(72)· 10h
Sometimes even one small step can make a difference. I hope the coming days feel a little lighter for you.
@buttcoins(75)· 12h
I’m familiar with those dark holes. Glad you are finding ways to get out of them!
@thekittygirl(74)· 15h
Sorry you're in a recurring black hole situation. Everyone goes through "up" and "down" cycles, but yours sounds more intense than some. You said: "Not much of a writer. More of a typer." So, maybe you could journal on the computer. Write stuff in NOTEPAD and save it to your computer. Or if you wanted a more permanent record of it, we could setup a separate account here on Hive for the journals; you could be anonymous or not, your choice. But yeah, don't be limited to journaling on paper if typing is better for you! NOTEPAD is awesome for all sorts of things! GOOD LUCK pulling out of this! 💖
^!PIMP
@tarazkp(86)· 16h
Firstly, hopefully you don't dive too deep into the darkness for too long. Not a nice place to visit, a worse place to live.

The past and the present/ future approach is interesting I think, because I reckon it is all in the present. When we are looking in that review mirror, we aren't living there, as we are viewing it from now, with what we know and have, and feel at this time, not that time. Maybe though, we should spend more of our present energy on the things that are in front of us, or with us now.

Can't change the past that made the shed a mess, but can clean up the shed.

She encouraged writing it though. So why not?

I have a feeling that it is more likely to access the brain more directly. Something about dominant hand and muscle memory.
@avdesing(80)· 21h
I think we’ve all been in a dark place at some point, for various reasons; life seems to put these situations in our path, perhaps to make us reflect or to show us what it’s like to fall and get back up again, and you’ve done just that. I’ve felt lost, adrift, not knowing what to do, but suddenly a light appears, or someone creates a light for us. Looking back isn’t a bad thing; the problem is getting stuck there. It should simply serve to help us learn from what happened and give us the strength to move forward.

We’re here to experience all sorts of things, and we come out on top when we shake off pain or hardship quickly. Jump out of that hole and see how beautiful life is. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. A big hug!🤗

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@riverflows(82)· 22h
Oh gosh, I'm really beginning to think that there is something going on. You really aren't the only person that has slipped into the darkness of late. There's a few of us suffering on Hive too. I hope you are on the way out. I'm trying my best but Jesus yep, some holes are black indeed. Xx
@teknon(73)· 1d
I’ve been there too, and honestly, the black hole seems to suck every single time. The hardest part is how you can be doing just fine, going about your life, and then suddenly find yourself pulled into a place you didn’t see yourself heading toward.

I’ve also learned that sometimes you don’t need to have a clear reason for why you’re there before you’re allowed to start climbing out and I am grateful that you reminded yourself to keep moving toward the light, even when staying in the darkness feels easier.

Glad you’re finding your way back out. Sending you lots of light as you keep climbing. ❤️
@fieryfootprints(74)· 1d
I hope that you will feel better in the future.