So I am officially done with round 1 of metronomic chemotherapy with taxanes. Hooray!
I feel that I dodged a huge bullet by not being given the whole poison all at once and by receiving weekly smaller doses I managed to get by without having the horrible side effects that you might read about on the world wide web.
Metronomic chemotherapy is usually given in much advanced stages but because of the autoimmune reaction that I have had from epirubicine the doctors agreed that I shall receive a different type of chemotherapy. God has definetely worked His magic as I have read various studies that prove that it is better to administer small quantities of chemo as it helps the body cope with the effects better and not lose health completely. I am surprised that doctors still go with the maximum tolerated dose which means pumping several bottles of this drug into your veins an entire day once a month. Grueling! As I sat to receive my treatment one week prior to this I have had a gentleman next to me receiving this gruelsome regimen. I looked at all of those big bottles filled with toxic fluid ready to be pumped into his veins. I cringed. I am sure by now that God has saved me from becoming an angel and somehow a metronomic approach was orchestrated by the universe to save my ass. Thank you and Amen!
I started to write for my book. Lots of pages that I have not published anywhere. Not even here. I am determined to publish it at the right moment.Oh....and if you would only see the cover. Ha ha ha. I am sure nobody would expect what I have in mind.
I find writing and journaling to be extremely therapeutic. I have done quite a risky thing since january and I do not recommend it to anyone. It was just my choice. I decided to stop taking the medication for this so called autoimmune reaction that I no longer believe in.This means dropping the plaquenil, colchicine and prednisone. I am only taking medrol 1 day prior chemo and the day with the chemo. That is it. It was a huge risk. But I felt that my body can create his own pharmacy of drugs and after reading the side effects I decided that I do not want to put more chemicals into my body. Call me crazy. I did it. And I am fine. I am pretty sure that if I were to tell my oncologis she would put me on maximum tolerated dose again. But guess what? I did not tell her. Ooops I did it again! I lied to an oncologist again. Lol. I know my body. I feel stuff. I have had the exact feeling of doing a certain risky thing just like in november 2025 when I felt that saying no to the third round of chemo was right. I was right. And since then things unfolded in a miraculous way.
You see.. I started to change. A lot. But it is on the inside. I have written about this process for my book and there are some details about this transformation that I would prefer to have it in my book only. You will understand me when you will read it . One day. My book about this will sit in your hands.
I celebrated my birthday on the 2nd of february. 36 years old. What a beauty! I bought myself flowers and treated myself in a nice teashop with a delicious tea and a slice of fig tart. I love myself now as I am more than I ever did before all of this. It is strange. It is part of my transformation. Shedding the old cocoon. I am amazed by how resilient is the human spirit who has deep roots in God. Without my Creator I would not have had the strenght and the audacity to do some unusual things for someone diagnosed with a scary word.
I am not scared. I am the most atypical patient this facility has seen as well. I see how doctors are not mentally prepared to see someone entering with a huge smile on their face in their office, not relying on their white coats for salvation. I rely on God and I know that His ways will prove to be the best ways. I feel that I am getting guidance from Him. You would say that nobody in their right mind would drop their medications for an autoimmune reaction but believe me when I tell you that anything is possible. It is the inner voice that I am learning to hear more and more and I love the process. It is hard to put into words the thing that I am going through right now: an inner transformation. You can't walk my walk and I don't ever wish it for you to ever do. But as I am writing I hope to instill a sense of rebellion inside of you as well: do not conform. Do not do the thing everyone expects of you. Don't believe everything that you are being told, even by those who are recognized as authorities. I have always had a problem with authority in the sense of putting my trust into one person telling me that this is how we run the show. Why?
I started to meditate. Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy. The stuff you are reading about meditation start to make sense once you begin to really anchor yourself into the practice. I am amazed by the results that I achieve at a soul level with this practice. I would highly recommend it to anyone.
I am also discovering the benefits of dancing. Do you know that you can do more than 5000 steps just by dancing inside your house and releasing a lot of tension? Try it. A chemotherapy patient dancing her chemo away. Yes. That is me. I used every good day to do just that when I felt like it. People expect a sad destroyed face when they hear chemo and cancer. I will not offer that twisted satisfaction to anyone. I am smiling all the way and I know that God is behind my enormous inner power. Something about the medical world has to change when it comes to this. There must be better ways and spontaneous remissions show that our body has the capacity to heal without any of the chemo crap. Now you might say : ok, so why don't I just drop it and move on like this? I feel like my journey is not ended and my soul tells me to continue. I feel that listening to my inner intuition has proven to be vital. I am sure that I am in divine hands. I can't explain it through writing to you, you can only feel it.
I work on my paintings when I am in treatment because I like to use my time wisely , doing what I like. I valued time before but now I value it more at a spiritual level: it is not about being efficient at any cost, it is about using my time for my soul doing what my soul wants without letting the noise of societal pressure to dictate otherwise.
The noise has been massively reduced because of this experience. And here I am in this point in which many of you have read about and never believed: I am deeply grateful for this experience, with everything that has come along the way and I would never want to change anything and anyone because I value so much who I have become and what I discovered about myself in this process. And I feel that this is just the beginning. I am more than my body and more about this single moment. So are you, wherever you are and whatever struggle you think you are going through...One day you will sit quietly with your hand on your heart and feel the power of your Creator. And in that very moment it will struck you: that is the only thing you will ever need. You are enough. You are loved. The Earth is just a temporary playground and we're here for having fun. P.S. For some reason I was unable to upload pictures to this post , I had quite a lot lol. Unable to contact server, oh well I guess I will keep them for the next time I will scribble in here
