De·ci·sion
The act or process of deciding.
Seems so simple.
Yet, a lot of us seem to struggle with making decisions, especially when it will require self-change. Familiarity feels safe and the unknown is fear evoking, and changing ourselves means heading into the unknown. Not only that, it means heading into the unknown and away from who we believe we are. At least consciously it is this way, because change is always happening to us and no matter what we believe about who we think we are, the reality is never fully aligned.
But perhaps there is another reason that increases the difficulty of making a decision embedded in the word itself and the modern world makes it even harder. We are evolved to look to maximise our opportunity and keep options open, but making a decision is the antithesis of that and it literally means to "cut off" alternatives. When we make a decision, we are closing doors.
Each one made comes with a cost.
But, only when we actually change our behaviours to support our decisions, which is definitely the area where most of us fail once decided, because no matter what we say we want or what we say we will do, if what we actually do doesn't change in order take us there, we will keep on acting as if no decision was made.
I will eat healthily, but am I? I will study for the test, but am I? I will manage my emotions, but am I? I will exercise, but am I? I will....
But am I?
If I am not , if you are not, we are not.
Is making a decision to change who we are so hard because we are both risk "losing ourselves" and we are taking other options to be something else off the table? The sense of losing ourselves to a change in behaviour is of course irrational because for better or worse, we are always ourselves. When we act well or poorly, when we are healthy or ill, when we are at our the best or worst, we can't escape who "I" is. But through making decisions, we are able to affect who I is right now and what our capabilities and potential will be in the next moment.
Why do we fight change?
External change versus Internal change
We all fight against external change in some way, because of that sense of familiar and the attachment to our identity. We want to keep traditions that make us feel connected, even when they aren't working for us and our body and brain (both looking for the easiest path) will keep influencing our behaviours so it can conserve energy. It will fight to keep us experiencing what we are experiencing, because that is what costs it the least energy. Which is quite a realisation, considering that our lives could be incredibly difficult and falling apart, and our identity and body is fighting to keep us in exactly that position, which inevitably leads to conditions getting increasingly worse.
Rinse and repeat.
But we also fight internal change for the same reason, because it is familiar and we identify with what we do and what we have done. Even when at the surface conscious level we want to be able to have a particular result, we will often keep on acting as we have done earlier, which obviously didn't get us to that result. But, because we have "made the decision" in our head, we feel like we must be following through with our body and when we don't get the results we are after, it is because it was the wrong thing, or what we "tried" doesn't work.
But we never did it.
Our "try" wasn't honest and committed, which means it is always doomed to fail as we fall into our default behaviours that have already proven failures. Doing more of what doesn't work is unlikely to break through the barrier of failure and into success, is it?
Cut it off.
So, if I want to make a change for a specific result, then I am going to have to cut off my options of behaviour that get in the way of that result. For instance, let's say I want to get a six-pack stomach (which I have never quite got), then doing more of what I am doing now or have done isn't going to help. What I would have to do is change my behaviour and in this case, it would be 95% diet related. I exercise often and hard enough and have the muscles there, but my diet gets in the way. But for me at least, willpower alone is not going to work, because I don't have the energy to maintain it. The only way I can effectively affect my diet, is to change the availability of food, cutting off access to everything that doesn't help me accomplish the end goal.
Now, I don't care much about having six-pack abs, but it is the same for anything that I might care about too. I have to get comfortable removing options that are familiar, but keep me the same, that hold me back from any kind of accomplishment.
Some people believe we should be happy with ourselves as we are, and there is truth to this in the moment. But, it has become an excuse to stay the same, a choice to avoid the discomfort of the unknown, a way to stay safe. Change is never safe, because the results are never guaranteed and the unfamiliar is always going to be uncomfortable - until we are familiar with it. It doesn't matter what the "it" is, but in order to become familiar with something, we have to repeat and repeat it until we know it, until it becomes part of our regular experience. It doesn't matter what it is, if we want a particular experience, we must be that experience. In might not feel viable in the early stages, but the more we repeat, the more comfortable it becomes and the more we attach who we are to it.
Who we are is not static.
We are always ourselves, but we are not always the same. We are ever-changing in an environment that is also ever-changing, and in order to meet our needs effectively, we need to firstly know what we need, and then change what we are doing in order to meet them.
Do we know what we need?
I had a discussion with my wife after I watched her work out at the gym today, and realised that she is not doing the right exercises in the right way to meet her goals. It is not that what she is doing is bad, but it will not get her the results she wants. What she needs to do is change. Yet, when I brought this up, she doubled-down on what she is doing, even though she isn't getting the results from it and is frustrated. It is her own fault, as it is familiar and is comfortable for her - even though she knows it doesn't work and she complains about not getting the results she is after.
For months (and years) she has resisted working out with me, because it is not the way She wants to workout. That is fine, but after 30 years of working out regularly, it is only in the last half-year or so that I have made some pretty decent gains. I am probably (in some respects) in the best shape of my life so far, because I have fundamentally changed the way I exercise. I am overall stronger and look stronger also, shifting the way my body feels daily. I may never be super fit, but I am improving consistently.
And it still feels unfamiliar.
When I do a workout, it still feels strange not to do certain things and I guess it is a bit like going to a terrace in the summer with a glass of wine, and not smoking. It took me a long time to shake the sense that something was missing after I quit smoking, but through repetition of not doing it, not doing it became the familiar. If I were to pick up a cigarette today, it would very quickly feel natural and familiar again. The smoker is still there, but so too is the non-smoker.
That is the same with pretty much all of the things we do and identify with. The excuse of "this is the way I am" doesn't hold up under testing, because the way we are through the lens of what we do, can change massively with conditioning. The laziest person can become familiar with a strong work ethic. The most introverted person can become familiar with social interaction. The saddest person can become familiar with joy.
But in order to do so, a person needs to change what they believe about themselves, that they are the way they are and that is it. It is not it. The "this is the way I am" attitude is a a decision made to stay the same, to stay safe. It is cutting off options of positive change in favour of negative same.
The wrong decision for growth.
Make a new cut.
Taraz [ Gen1: Hive ]
Be part of the Hive discussion.
- Comment on the topics of the article, and add your perspectives and experiences.
- Read and discuss with others who comment and build your personal network
- Engage well with me and others and put in effort
And you may be rewarded.
