I keep noticing how I rearrange the conditions around my creative work, moving things from one place to another, changing the tools, changing the order, convincing myself that the next adjustment will finally make it easier to begin, I keep noticing how preparation can feel like progress when it lets me experience the possibility of movement without asking me to discover whether I can actually take the difficult step without even noticing the hard work, I keep noticing how I blame the room, the timing, the materials, when sometimes what I really want is a version of the work that asks less of me than the one sitting unfinished, one phrase unexplained, one art unbothered, I keep noticing how often I change everything around the task because admitting what the task is asking of me feels more uncomfortable than changing the task itself, changing the timing itself or changing the process itself, I keep noticing how comfortable surroundings can soften the edges of resistance, but cannot rearrange me out of every uncomfortable truth that every work needs discomfort, pain and uncertainty…
I catch myself believing that if I prepare one more thing, I will finally feel ready enough to begin to discover what the deep work really needed to become until I can become fully satisfied and fulfilled with the work, I catch myself polishing the opening before I know what I am trying to say, organizing the notes before I understand the question, gathering more references when I already have enough to take the first step, I catch myself enjoying these small adjustments because they give me something I can control while the larger decision remains untouched beneath them and I run away what the real work really needs, I catch myself wondering what I am still postponing underneath all this activity, and whether I am preparing because the work needs it or because choosing would make the uncertainty real, I catch myself realizing that perhaps I do not need a more perfect beginning, only the courage to enter an imperfect one where I still need to maintain consistency even without bare motivation left…
I want to remember that changing my surroundings can still be a beautiful way of loosening what has become too familiar, a different room, a different hour, a different material, a different way of seeing things clearly, I want to remember that an experiment can open a window without becoming another door I use to leave the room, without another task to finish, and without having a single tangible thing to hold on to the sky for proof of bare existence, I want to remember that not every change has to remove resistance, because sometimes its only gift is showing me something I could no longer see from the place where I had become accustomed to first standing, I want to remember to ask whether I am changing the conditions because I have discovered another way to see, or because staying with the work has begun asking too much of me despite the goal being clearly written to begin with, I want to remember that I can change the way I approach the work without abandoning the part of me that knows where I am trying to go, where I am heading, and the path to take whenever I feel lost despite the purpose I’m aware of…
I am beginning to understand that confidence may not be waiting somewhere before the decision, but may grow quietly from making the decision and remaining long enough to discover what it asks of me, I am beginning to understand that no certain arrangement can protect me from every wrong turn, no preparation can remove disappointment, and no amount of adjusting can make uncertainty disappear, I am beginning to understand that I can work with what is actually here, keeping what helps, releasing what does not, and letting imperfect conditions become part of the making as I travel to the most boring part of work itself, I am beginning to understand that perhaps I have been waiting for a future version of myself who never doubts, who never gives up, and never easily bothered by pain, when the work only needs the present version of me to choose what I am destined to become, I am beginning to understand that the clarity I keep waiting for may not be something I need to find before I decide, but something I allow to emerge by deciding, because sometimes the courage to move is not what comes after clarity—it is what creates it…
Watchwords: Movement is not always momentum Preparation can become another delay Change what helps you see Stop negotiating with imperfect conditions Clarity on the other side of choosing
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream:
“As you are still the Master of your destiny and the maker of your dreams…”
