I truly want to say that the boss of our home is my husband. Yeah... but we are living in reality, so why lie? 😂 I'm the boss of this house! But let's leave him thinking he's the man of the house. Life is easier that way. But this time, he really was in charge, so that's a point in his favor.
I mean, I asked him... okay, let's be honest, I told him I needed a new bookcase. And he looked at me and said, "Yeah, and what am I supposed to do about that?" Just like the boss....
Baby... you need to buy me one!
And then he said, "You have money. You can even use mine. But don't expect me to go with you to buy it. DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? I know how shopping works, especially at IKEA! You walk in, and suddenly you're buying everything except the thing you actually came for!"
And me, using my sweetest voice: "But honey... if you come with me, I promise I'll just buy the bookcase and run straight outside."
My husband looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind.
"You want to tell me we're going to IKEA and buying ONLY ONE THING? Did I wake up in another universe? Okay, let's go. But if you buy anything else, putting it together is YOUR job. I'm not helping you!"
Fuck.
Now I'm not sure if I played this correctly because WHO THE HELL GOES TO IKEA AND BUYS ONLY ONE THING?! Nobody in this universe, probably!
And don't even get me started on finding the exit. Have you ever tried to leave that place? You think you're almost there, and suddenly you're back at the beginning. ARE WE WALKING IN CIRCLES?! WHERE THE HELL IS THE EXIT?!
I can't keep my hands in my pockets for much longer. I'm going to start grabbing things!
And yeah... that's exactly what happened. The freaking bookcase was at the very end of the store, and I COULDN'T, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, leave without buying something else. 🙄
So, IKEA, you're making my life miserable, and that's exactly why I hate going there. Not because your furniture is bad, but because I'm ALWAYS LOST!
Sometimes I honestly think it would be easier to lie down in one of those exhibition bedrooms and just live there. I mean, you keep walking and walking, and suddenly you're out of breath, sweating like crazy, and STILL have absolutely no fucking idea where the hell the exit is.
And then you think... you know what? Maybe I'll find it tomorrow. Let's just sleep here tonight.
Who's even going to notice one woman sleeping in the store? IT'S SO FUCKING BIG! They probably wouldn't notice me living there for a month. By then, I'd have a kitchen, a shower, and maybe even a dog to keep me company at night. 😂
Anyway, we somehow survived IKEA and made it home with the bookcase.
And, of course, my husband looked at me with a big smile and said, "It's your turn, baby. Put it together. Apparently, you're so good at this because it won't be your first time!"
Oh, FUCK OFF.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW GOOD I AM!
The next day, he was getting ready for work when he looked at me and asked, "So, when I get home, will it be standing there? With books in it?"
I think he was 100% convinced I'd call him within an hour, screaming about why the hell everything you buy at IKEA comes with instructions that look like LEGO instructions.
But hey, isn't that the dream?
NO. NO, IT ISN'T.
So, I got into action. I was going to show this man that I could do it! I'd done it before. Yeah, it had almost driven me crazy, but I'd survived, hadn't I? And this bookcase wasn't even that big.
LET'S DO THIS, GIRL! LET'S SHOW HIM WHAT WE'RE MADE OF!
It looked easy enough... until I opened the box.
And there it was. The instructions clearly showed that this was a TWO-PERSON JOB.
So, naturally, I called my husband.
He didn't even say hello. Nope. He picked up the phone and immediately started laughing like a maniac.
"What, honey? Is it too hard for you?"
And me, using my sweetest voice again: "Baby, I'm sending you a picture. Just look at it! It CLEARLY shows that this is a job for TWO PEOPLE! There are two men in the picture. Not one woman. Not two women. TWO MEN!"
He laughed even harder.
"So? Are you telling me you can't do it?"
And I, with all my heart, replied, "Baby... no, no. I just want to show you that I CAN do it alone, even though the job is meant for TWO MEN!"
And so, I started.
I mean, girl... it looked easy enough!
Yeah... it wasn't.
As I've already mentioned in another article, I can put LEGO together, even when there are thousands of tiny pieces. But when it comes to bigger furniture, somehow my brain decides to take a vacation.
So, after staring at those three pages of instructions, I finally got started. Half an hour later, I was already losing my mind.
I WILL FINISH THIS BEFORE HE COMES HOME!
Guess what?
I DIDN'T.
There I was, sitting on the floor, surrounded by pieces of wood and staring at those freaking instructions. Exactly like the last time.
My husband came home, took one look at me, and didn't say a word. He just sat on the couch and watched me with that look on his face. Hmmmm... girl, I'm just waiting for you to ask me for help.
😊
BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP!
I mean, it's not even that big! If I can't put this thing together, then I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.
So, after convincing myself that I finally understood the instructions and that I was absolutely capable of doing this, I started again.
An hour later, I was pulling my hair out and swearing like a sailor. Meanwhile, my husband was sitting comfortably on the couch, occasionally taking pictures because he was absolutely convinced I'd write an article about this disaster.
Probably because he thought I'd fail, he'd come to rescue me, and he'd become the HERO OF THE STORY.
GUESS WHAT?! HE IS NOT THE HERO!
I DID IT MYSELF!
After THREE HOURS.
THREE. FREAKING. HOURS. For a tiny bookcase!
I mean, I'm not going to shame myself too much, but REALLY, GIRL?!
I can put together LEGO sets with thousands of pieces in two or three hours, but give me six pieces of IKEA furniture, and suddenly I need an entire afternoon and what's left of my sanity?!
HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?!
But hey... I DID IT!
And look how great it looks!
There is just one tiny, freaking problem.
I didn't realize it would be so SMALL.
Yeah... apparently, I'm reading too much. And guess what? More books are coming.
Does that mean I need another bookcase?
YES. YES, IT DOES.
But this time, I'm going to make a secret plan. I need to figure out how to convince my husband...or, let's be honest, TRICK him...into helping me with the next one.
Because there's no way I'm spending another three hours fighting six pieces of wood while he sits on the couch taking pictures of my suffering.
And hey, guess what else happened? HE COOKED DINNER!
Apparently, I looked so exhausted after building a tiny bookcase that he decided I deserved a proper meal.
Now, I'm not entirely sure whether I should take that as a compliment or an insult.
Was he impressed by my hard work, or did I look so close to death that he thought feeding me was the only way to keep me alive?
Oh, who cares!
I HAVE A BOOKCASE AND A GREAT DINNER!
The bookcase looks great... for now. Because, as we all know, more books are coming, and they need somewhere to live.
My husband, however, doesn't know that yet.
Let's just leave him thinking there won't be any more books coming into our apartment.
Let him enjoy his peace while he still can. And in this case...let’s leave him thinking he is the boss of the house. 😊
Because, baby... the next bookcase is coming. And this time, I might even need TWO MEN!
😂❤️
SO... Dear IKEA, Go to Hell. Love, @the Woman who built your bookcase.
