“Oh, no, they are doing it again – RUN!”
“Life is hard for any family that has just about as many stupid cousins in it as ours does,” eleven-year-old Velma Trent said to eight-year-old Gracie Trent her sister as the eight little Ludlows cleared their home after ten-year-old Andrew Ludlow had sounded the alarm.
“Ain't it the truth, Velma,” Gracie said. “But you notice now that our stupid cousins have been hearing Dad's de-escalation-or-die rap music and Grandma Jubilee has moved in, we don't get those calls.”
“Maybe Capt. Ludlow needs to take up rapping too,” Velma said. “I mean, there's civil rights and stuff. Nobody can keep old white men from doing it.”
“What I think it is,” Gracie said, “is that Dad is speaking with the people through music, and they get that he is serious and he loves them. I think Capt. Ludlow's family is looking for that kind of dad.”
Velma considered this.
“So, like Dad is the center of gravity for sensible Trentness, the branches of the Ludlow family are looking for the center of sensible Ludlowness … OK.”
“I mean, I wouldn't call Uncle Captain if I was acting a fool, but, I don't need to,” Gracie said. “There are enough Trent people who do those things here.”
“But not in every house … I see, and you know, I think you are right,” Velma said as Capt. Ludlow came to the door to recall his grandchildren.
“So, that was Cousin Delbert, and I knew he was done for when Papa hit the F1 talking about 'Cry more, Delbert – you have not reached repentance!'” Andrew later said to Velma and Gracie. “So then Delbert started cussing and cursed Grandma and us, and I realized he was about to get blown to smithereens through the power vested in Papa's basso profondo voice, so it was time to go. But Papa surprised me … he just hung up. He just told me five minutes ago: 'Some levels of stupid aren't even worth addressing. If you are going to threaten me and mine after asking me for money … not even worth it.'”
“Yeah, if you gotta beg somebody, you need them … but then you threaten them … yes, that is another level of stupid, and so is doing it with your grandfather,” Velma said.
“I mean, I gotta find out who is dealing stupid pills in this county and gotta find a way to get them shut down because some of our cousins are just too addicted and it's gotta be stopped!” Andrew said.
“Ain't it the truth, Andy,” Gracie said, “ain't it the truth.”
