How come relationships are so hard?
Are they hard?
I don't think so. At least, I don't think they need be. However, I think they are getting harder to navigate in the current environment of selfishness, on-demand satisfaction, social media warping expectations and people just being worse with other people. Our social ability gave us the edge to beat the smarter Neanderthals, yet we seem to be turning into our anti-social cousins, minus the intelligence - because that is going backwards. Yes, our intelligence is declining, especially in developed countries.
Everything is declining.
Except our waist size.
But I was reading a stupid article about a stupid topic, where some woman in her late twenties posted on Twitter or some such a list of all the "non-negotiable" attributes. The list:
- 35 to 42 y/o
- healthy masculine
- smart, funny, lighthearted
- provider/protector mentality
- post economic (still hardworking)
- must be kind, generous, thoughtful
- no kids yet, decidedly wants kids
- on the healing path (history of serious commitment ex therapists, books, retreats)
- can meet anywhere but will not date unless live in the same city
- fit and sober because you care about your health
strongly preferred
- no prev marriages or engagements
- works in tech (comfortable with risk and career is blended into personal life)
Fair enough. People can make all the lists they want about what they want and can stick to it (since these are non-negotiables) as much as they want - but, they are also going to have to take responsibility for not finding that person. But even if they do find that person, being rejected by them because they are not the kind of person who would want to be with the list maker.
I always find it interesting when people talk about what they want in a partner, but feel that kind of person would also choose them. They talk about what they want, but don't consider what they bring to the table, or don't bring to the table of a relationship themselves.
Entitlement.
Looking at that list though, a 35-42 year old who is post economic (which should be post-economic) and still single without kids or previous marriages or engagements, but still has a history of serious commitments, is going to be a rare find. Well, if they are out there and they haven't been married or engaged by that age and have no children, you'd have to question why.
But of course, this woman just wants someone to pay for her life, and accept her as she is, which is the kind of person who makes lists saying what she wants in a man, and putting it on social media. That alone would nix her from the list of most intelligent, wealthy, healthy men.
Oh, intelligent didn't make the list.
There are men out there that might make a similar list on social media, but I am assuming that they wouldn't get a lot of support for doing so. But, even if they mention "fit" in there, they will be lambasted for being shallow. And then if they added "submissive mentality" instead of provider/protector, imagine the response.
The problems that I see with a lot of relationships today, is that people are increasingly selfish, demanding that their needs are satisfied, without considering the needs of their partner much at all. Most people today don't want to compromise, don't want to miss out, don't want to be uncomfortable - but the only way to do so, is to be alone.
Which is a massive compromise.
I don't know what will happen in the future of relationships, because it seems that there aren't many healthy ones out there that last long-term, which means there is also a decreasing amount of role model relationships as well. There are plenty of dysfunctional relationships on display though, because we are bombarded with slices of celebrity relationships, as if they are the picture of health, while nearly all of them fall apart. But the more media we consume, the more influence it has over us and our expectations of others.
We want what we are not fit to have.
You deserve better....
Do you though?
It is an interesting conflict we have though, as while many people want to be in a healthy relationship, they do very little to make themselves healthy partners, as if they are not part of the equation at all. They expect the other person to provide all the health, while they can just be and do whatever they want, and it will all work out. But when it inevitably doesn't, it was their partner's fault for not being enough.
We are all enough.
But that doesn't mean we can have whatever we want. Because while we might be suitable in some ways, we might be incompatible in others. No one has it all, no one can be it all, no one can provide it all. Relationships are always going to require compromise and if someone is in a relationship with an uncompromising partner, they are in for a pretty rough experience, because it is abusive.
But hey, keeping making those lists for your perfect ten partner.
And then look in the mirror and consider how that perfect ten, will rate you.
Taraz [ Gen1: Hive ]
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