Being a good child of the 70s, I have seen every installment of the Alien franchise.
*H.R. Giger's designs are still the best thing about the Alien franchise.* Although I was too young to see the original Alien in the theater, I remember watching it repeatedly on Beta video tape when I was a kid. This was odd for a couple of reasons. First, it was rated "R" and I was only 10 years old when I watched it. (This was not the norm in my house so I must have snuck it out of my step father's cabinet). Second, I consider it a horror movie set in space... and I generally do not care for scary movies. When I watch a movie, I become immersed in it. I get very emotionally involved. Because of this, I think horror movies are unpleasant... plus I'm a huge baby.
*Alien may be my favorite horror movie of all time (yes I have seen a few of the big ones).*Unlike Alien, 15 year old me saw its sequel Aliens in the theater at least five times. I consider it one of the greatest Sci-Fi action movies of all time. When I am channel surfing and I come across Aliens, I always stop. I could watch this movie 1000 times. To me, it is a nearly perfect movie. It has great characters, special effects, plot and a ton of action (plus I can quote Bill Paxton's Pvt. Hudson all day long... or at least until "it's game over!")
*One of my favorite movies of all time.*For some reason, I saw Alien3, Alien Resurection, and Alien vs Predator in the theater as well.
Although I did not enjoy any of those, I was still super excited when Prometheus was released.
Because I was incredibly eager and did not want to fall prey to any spoilers, I saw Prometheus on the opening weekend.
*Spoiler alert! The guy in this chair died of boredom.*I could have waited a year to see it. Nothing could have spoiled the movie for me... because nothing happens! I was bored out of my mind. I HATED Prometheus. (So as you read this review, please keep in mind it is from the point of view of a Prometheus hater.)
To be honest, I only remember one detail from that movie (I immediately wiped the rest from my mind). I simply can't forget the ridiculous spider zombie creature. Clearly the director figured out the movie was insanely boring and needed some action. Therefore, he dropped in some unexpected creature for absolutely no reason. I remember actually laughing at the scene in the theaters.
And yet... I was still super excited too see Alien:Covenant.
I honestly think my desire to see these films is fueled purely from the nostalgia from my childhood. I think it is time I let that go.
*This poster is so much cooler than the movie.*Alien: Covenant picked up right where Prometheus left off... with absolutely nothing happening.
The movie begins with a shot of a large colony spacecraft named The Covenant. I was actually shocked at how bad the special effects were. I am not sure if the director, Ridley Scott, intentionally made it look like the miniature models in front of green screen used in the 70s and 80s, but that is exactly what it looked like (perhaps it somehow looked better in 3D... but I'm not a fan of 3D).
The Covenant is hit by a solar flare that damages the ship and awakens all of the passengers who had been in sleep stasis. There are some complications and some screaming... and then nothing happens for the next 40 minutes. I know it was exactly 40 minutes because I kept checking my phone wondering, "When the heck is something going to happen?"
*Would you believe me if I told you this isn't the most boring scene in the movie?*At this point, I was so bored that I couldn't wait for the movie to end. That most likely tainted the rest of the movie for me.
The two "action" sequences that occur at the 40 minute mark are finished within 10 minutes.
For the next 30 minutes, the characters walk around and talk. Then some try to communicate via a radio but it is difficult.
Then a robot cuts his hair while singing a song. No that is not a typo. I realize there is no introduction to that line... because there is no freaking introduction to it in the movie. He just decides to cut his hair and sing. Thank goodness they included that scene!
Over the next several agonizing minutes, the robot teaches another robot to play the flute, he recites a poem and professes his love for... well I don't want to spoil anything. Because I was so shocked at the nonsense I was watching , I actually took out my phone to take notes. When it came time to write this review, I definitely didn't want to miss those thrilling details. Normally, I would never turn on my phone during a movie. However, this was a special situation and there were only 4 other people in the theater. None of them were anywhere near me. Although, perhaps I would have been doing them a favor by getting them angry at me. At least that would have provided them with some excitement. The movie sure as heck wasn't going to do that.
*Just in case you thought I was making up the recorder lesson scene. Sadly, I was not.*After robot playtime is over, one of them pontificates on life for several minutes. Then Scott sprinkles in a couple more 30 second "action" sequences. Because I only know the name of four characters, I can not tell you who was involved in these scenes. I honestly do not think their identity even matters.
I have to admit the last 20 minutes were fairly exciting. Although the climax lacked any originality, at least my heart sped up for the first time after resting for the first 100 minutes. This climax was was incredibly cliche. Unfortunately, I was so desperate for any kind of action that even cliche would do.
POSSIBLE SPOILER BELOW
After the standard final battle, the incredibly predictable "twist" is revealed. I was actually a little annoyed that Scott "revealed" it as if it were a real mystery. Since it was so obvious, I wish he would have had some fun with it and mixed in some humor. But he didn't. Sigh.
OK YOU CAN COME BACK NOW
*This shameless product placement did as much in the movie as it did in this post... absolutely nothing.*I hated this movie. I don't even care about the money I wasted. I want my time back.
The only good thing I can say is that Alien:Covenant did it's job of explaining how the Alien species (Xenomorph XX121) was created. (But that would have made a MUCH better comic book that I could have read in 10 minutes).
Actually there is a second positive. H. R. Giger's work is absolutely amazing. Maybe when the next movie is released, instead of going to see it, I'll just flip through a book of his art while listening to a robot playing the recorder.
*As a reward for making it this far in the post. Here is some of H.R. Giger's amazing work.*If you feel you absolutely must see this movie, wait for it to be available on demand or Netflix. That way, you can fast forward through 90% of it.
Geeky Guy's Movie Guide
Number of times I fell asleep: 0 ( I was very caffeinated... and a bit angry) Number of eye rolls: 10 (Robot playing the recorder? Laughable "twist"? Cliche horror movie shower scene? Seriously?) Number of face palms: 10 (See above. I went with the rare eye roll followed by face palm combo) Number of times I checked steemit: 3 (Literally no one was around me. I disturbed no one I assure you.) Number of times I said "That's ridiculous": 5 (Did the characters have emotions or common sense?) Full price/Matinee/Rental/Free/Not worth the time: Not worth the time (I would like my time back please)
