There are these service ladders on the outside of various buildings to get to the roof, but to stop regular people climbing up them, they lock them off with a plate and a padlock so the first few meters of the ground is inaccessible. It obviously isn't fool-proof, but it is good enough for most cases.
When I was looking at one recently, it reminded me of how I feel in regards to the way I think. It is like there is a ladder there, a way to go, but it is barred and I am unable to pick the lock. Sometimes I feel like I am getting close, but then like this week, the pick breaks and I am left again at the bottom of my thoughts. I have read some stories of people with locked-in syndrome, where their body doesn't function but they are completely alert and mentally intact, unable to communicate with others. I feel a bit like the opposite of that, where I am locked out of my body, unable to communicate with it.
As said, this week has been a bit more difficult than usual, though there is no clear reason why. It could be that I am more run down since I have been battling a flu and cough for almost two weeks, or it is just that my brain has decided to switch off. Whatever it is, thinking clearly has become harder than usual, and usually it is very hard.
These days, I just try to roll with it and approach it with some kind of morbid curiosity. I keep writing of course because my approach to creating for me is to do it regardless of how I feel, to see what comes out. Rain or shine, whether that be outside or inside me, I try to see what is there. Often, it is pretty opaque, yet I am still able to draw something out to work with. It takes effort and the results might not be great at times, but I believe it is better to do something, than do nothing. Even ill, I will go to the gym and stretch and move, and I do the same for my brain.
The desire to do nothing is strong.
The motivation to do something is weak.
I have explained before that since I had the stroke, my motivation has all but disappeared, which I put down to the way my head now processes thoughts. It doesn't create automatically, which seems to mean that it doesn't create any automatic view of what could be - no future. When there is no future, there is no hope. Hope is always about a future outcome.
But I don't give into the desire to do nothing because that is a slippery slope. As I say to my daughter, make good decisions, not bad habits, doing nothing can become habitual and I think a lot of people in the world suffer from it, tricked into believing that scrolling a feed or watching episode after episode is doing something. It is not.
Doing something means creating something, thoughts, actions, material goods. It is using our capabilities to make a change in our environment. Much of what we do when we are sitting consuming though, isn't making an intentional change, but changes are happening. We are changing - we are getting less capable, more reliant, less creative, more controlled. The decisions we are making, are creating bad habits for our mind, body and spirit.
I can't go back in time, but there are a lot of things I would do differently if given the opportunity. However, while I am not a good source of advice for many things, I do think that people underestimate the value of creative thought and physical movement. If all they are doing is consuming and they were to lose the ability in a moment as I did, perhaps they wouldn't even notice. But for me, it was like running into a wall at full speed, without even trying to slow or reach out to soften the blow.
They say you don't know what you've got until its gone, but perhaps that only works when you are aware of what you had in the first place. Are people really aware of what personal ability they have? Do they test themselves and actively look to improve function? Sure, a bit of exercise here and there can do wonders, but what about exercise for the mind? Real exercise, real practice, by creating something real. And then improving it.
I will never get back what I have lost, but it saddens me to see people who aren't using what they have effectively. They take it for granted, like a talented musician I know who became a drug addict. What a waste of potential. And yes, it is their potential to waste, but we all live in this world together and we all take resources to live, so if we aren't even trying to add value, all we are doing is subtracting it.
Sometimes I try to imagine what it might be like if one day there was a cure I could take that would return my brain function to where it was. What would that feel like? I imagine it might be a low-grade version of those who are locked in, and then suddenly being able to communicate freely. Perhaps that pill will arrive, but I am not holding my breath for it. Far more will be spent on consumer entertainment, than creating solutions to the problems we face.
While we aren't creating a better world, we are all locked out of having it.
Taraz [ Gen1: Hive ]
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